What will people think?!?!

Alas! Tragedy! There’s a scandal in the family! What are we going to do? What will people think?

Sound familiar? I was having a drink and dinner with a cousin of mine last night and we came to the conclusion that if anyone has a problem, it becomes an extended family issue in this country. And while that may sound well and good, the reason it becomes an issue is simply because of shame.

Let’s take a look at one possible scenario. Let’s say someone in the family is getting a divorce. It’s obviously an issue between the couple who are actually going ahead with it and doing it. The family is only needed to rally around the couple in support. Instead what happens is that everyone wants a piece of the pie. Everyone wants to moan and groan about the fact that its a scandal. And everyone feels ashamed about what other people will think.

I know someone who got divorced recently and all his family could do was cry, not for the end of a marriage and a family but for what people would think of them after the shame that had been caused to the extended family who has been looked upto by so many people. Love never comes into play or rather the end of it. Its irrelevant how the couple feel about eachother. What matters is keeping your issues behind the blinds of your living room and smiling for all and sundry to see.

My cousin lives in Europe and we were talking about how actual scandalous things probably happen far less there because things are a lot more open and people are free to make their own decisions in life without having to worry about auntt so and so feeling the shame of it and not being able to face her coffee morning friends. We live in a country where sick, disgusting things happen everyday. Children are raped by their parents. Men cannot show a jot of affection for their wives but do their lovers in the office bathroom. Wives hurt themselves to get over the pain of what’s going on. Children are ashamed of their parents. Parents force their children into situations that will make them unhappy for the rest of their lives. I could go on and on. But through all this, no one must know so the famous Sri Lankan smile still stays on.

We’re a country of hypocrites. And we’re famous for being able to put on that smile wherever we go. Because what is hidden must always be so. People should not think badly of us. We should always worry about the opinions of others who have absolutely no baring on our lives. So everytime our hearts are breaking, let’s all just smile and “put a party” shall we?

Who Stole My Heathcliff

Went on a mad rampage last night in search of my Heathcliff and alas someone’s stolen him away. In my half asleep state I walked through the house until 4 am in search of my copy of Wuthering Heights and I couldn’t find it anywhere. I was in such a mood to pick up that book after so many years and go through it. But just for my luck it wasn’t there. I really needed to read it again for some reason. There’s just something about Healthcliff that reminds me of everything I want in a man. He reminds me of who I’m capable of loving. Not that he’ll ever really exist. Sigh.

You think Kathy’s ghost stole into my house on a cold night and stole him away from me? Not that I blame her. I’d do everything to hold on to him if I had ever been foolish enough to let him go, even after death. I’d haunt him, just as he asked her to.

And here’s a bit of strangeness. I know a guy who read the book and actually liked it. Actually remembers the intense bits of it!!! Very very strange indeed. Every other male I know has dissed it as an over-romanticized book meant for girls to get soppy over. Ofcourse I’ve taken this with a pinch of salt because none of them have ever actually bothered reading the book. There’s nothing romantic about it. Infact its ugly… but necessary as Kathy put it.

Anyways, since my search was unsuccessful I turned on Lulu and listened to the Kate Bush song about him instead. For those of you who haven’t heard it, my Wuthering-Heights reading male friend included, here are the lyrics -

Out on the wiley, windy moors
Wed roll and fall in green.
You had a temper like my jealousy:
Too hot, too greedy.
How could you leave me,
When I needed to possess you?
I hated you. I loved you, too.
Bad dreams in the night.
They told me I was going to lose the fight,
Leave behind my wuthering heights.

Heathcliff, its me–Kathy.
I’m come home now - I’m so cold, let me in-a-your window.

It gets dark, it gets lonely,
On the other side from you.
I pine a lot. I find the lot
Falls through without you.
I’m coming back, love.
My cruel heathcliff, my one dream,
My only master.

Too long I roam in the night.
I’m coming back to his side, to put it right.
I’m coming home to wuthering heights,

Heathcliff, its me–Kathy.
Come home. I’m so cold!
Let me in-a-your window.

let me have it.
Let me grab your soul away.
You know its me–Kathy!

Heathcliff, its me–cathy.
Come home. I’m so cold!
Let me in-a-your window.

The Day Will Come (part 1)

The day will come…

 

when even old men will have to stand up and fight

 

 

when romance will bloom, despite the odds

 

 

and when love will really last a lifetime

 

 

 THE DAY WILL COME

12th - 15th June 2008

Punchi Theatre

Directed by Jehan Aloysious

Pics by Shehal / kanabona.com

Fuck me sideways and call me Charlie

The general reply to this regular outburst of mine is generally - uh… I’ll just call you Charlie. I love the reactions that come before though. Its generally an outburst I have when I hear shocking news. It’s something I’ve stolen from my best friend who is full of witty phrases like that. God I miss her. She’s been the only one who can pull me through my depression. The only one who would slip into that dark abyss and stay there with me when I’m not ready to face the light of day as yet. She’s literally thousands of miles away from me. Too much money away from me. I have to wait until December. Too long. Way too long to survive without her.

Its funny. The 2 of us. Got the same results for our exams. Married the same year. Went through similar crises at exactly the same time. And now she’s not here. The marzipan filled centre of my life. Sometimes I wonder if she realized how important she is to me. There’s no one else I care for as much as her. Absolutely no one. I have never been able to be myself completely around anyone but her. I’ve got so used to wearing masks around people that its hard not to be able to completely take it off sometimes. Its slips and I put it back on. But I can’t just rip it off unless she is here.

I smoked my first joint with her. Not that anyone would think its something big to talk about but most of my famous firsts like that have been with her around. When I first fell in love she was there to pick up the pieces of my clumsy handling of everything.

Marz, if you’re reading this can’t do this wedding without you woman. The rest of you, transliterate that into Sinhala and you’ll know what I mean.

Come home sooner. I need to go on a three days binge of alcohol and a bunch of illegal substances and I want to do that with you. Then I want to wake up and watch the sunrise and have you hold me while I cry. The I want you to threaten to “slap my tits” and make me laugh hysterically and let it all out of my system so that I can begin to move on again.

Lubricate my soul

Lubricate my soul

Find yourself in the deepest folds of her

Caress her

She is parched

Dying

In a lonely dessert

full of mirages

but no help in sight

71 days

of hell

and then begins

the first day

of the rest of my life

and you don’t even see do you

that I’m starved

for water

that only you can give

boy you’ve wrenched my soul

out of the gutter

and you still can’t let her

take a sip

of your sanguine soul

won’t let her touch your dreams

so that she can begin

to be whole again

and I can begin

to mend again

Just call me into your oasis

and lubricate my soul

Decisions Decisions

It seems like I have one decision after the another to make these days and none of them are simple how many sugars with your tea types. Each of them are earth shattering (in the sense that the ground beneath my feet will literally shake). I just made one that’s going to change my life as I know it and in the next few months I’ll be an entirely different person living a life unfamiliar to me. Its scary as hell, but if I didn’t make this call, the alternative would have been the death of my soul. In the desperate need to keep her alive I changed my life. But now, no one will know me in a few months.

And you know how they say never to make more than one life altering decision at the same time. Well, here I go about to make my second. My first life alterer requires me to make much more money than I’m making now just to survive. I won’t have the security I had to just up and switch departments like I did a few months before just because my passion was to be a writer. I’m a darn good one (MPHOT here) but it still won’t pay as much as my previous job as a Client Service person cum Strategist. Its not a job I love but its a job I’ve done well and can pay well too.

My previous boss whom I used to work for since I was 19 called me up yesterday and asked me if I’d like to switch back to my old department and come back. The old place I worked for felt like home. And what a home it was - coming with a swimming pool and all! But my present boss is the best I’ve ever worked for. I have never been able to have as much respect for the mind and integrity of the boss I have now. But I know for a fact that she won’t be able to pay me what I need now for at least another couple of years. What with me also being of a lower designation in the creative department than the higher one I can easily be in the other one. Not that I’ll get the job or that I’ve decided to take it if I do, but I’m exploring an option I never thought I’d need to.

And in the middle of all of this, something else is tearing at my mind. Something totally irrelevant that keeps me up at night and torments me in every possible direction. I’ve actually tried to write about it and no words seem to come out. I’ve suddenly lost the eloquence I need to get it out there and out of my system. So Shit. Shit. Shit. That’s all I can say about it. Until a strong gust of wind comes and blows it off I’m going to be stuck in this predicament of having more complications than I need now. And I have the sneaky feeling that its not going anywhere anytime soon.

My Tat

Thanks to hissyfit’s boyfriend and her urge to get one herself, thought I’d flash my tat for all to see too. Its ugly and I love it. Its ugly because I drew it myself. And on that note, to clarify Angel’s point in public as she requested. The needles were a one-time use and deposited into a garbage bin my myself. The design was picked because it reflects me so well. And not just as a passion or hobby but in the way I live my life.

unanswered

what do you do when the one constant in your life is the one thing you need to break free from?

what do you do when no one sees that because it comes disguised as a sugar-coated package that only you can see inside to its rotten core?

what to you do when its only the wicked wind that wants to caress you & play with your hair?

what do you do when your equilibrium lies between an explosion & numbness?

what do you do when you’re lost, forgotten or unknown to the only source of a smile?

what do you do when your tongue is nailed to the table at a cruel meal of social reticence?

what do you do when you’re played for a fool everytime you try to break free?

what do you do when you’re forgotten what love is or wonder if its ever really been for you?

what do you do with little-girl dreams that have been buried and are screaming with suffocation to live again?

what do you when the words of a song promise to fix you but no one comes round to actually do it?

what will you do?

what will you do?

what will you do?

nothing

just stand back

and watch yourself decay

as the crowd gets up

and walks out on you

depression was never a crowd-pleaser anyway

Black Rain | Wind-kissed

Got soaked in the rain late last night. Loved it.

Ran in the lightening without a care in the world. Loved it.

When you’re going through a black, dark depression its the perfect balm for the soul.

To giggle, scream and run in the rain with old friends. Amazing.

But then I woke up again this morning.

Black. I saw black

And it wasn’t pretty

Happy for longer than a moment

That’s what I wanted most on my list.

Is it that excruciatingly impossible to achieve?

I’m finding hard to even hold on to the few nice moments and trip on them later.

Just before the rain last night the wind was playing with my hair.

Strange cold caresses.

I walked into and demanded “why why why” and all I got as an answer was a distant howl.

Dissing me. Laughing at me.

So I closed my eyes again and whispered

the words to that song that always creeps into my head

when I’m lonely on a beach but not quite alone.

Its getting harder and harder to keep believeing in those words.

But I need to cling on as hard as I can.

But then you can’t really clutch the breeze can you?

And you have no choice but to let her scream and laugh

and tug at your hair and kiss your neck

and whisper in your right ear

“its over for you…

all over”

I made a boo boo

Shit men. I made my first big boo boo at work and its gonna cost me big time. And at this point I think I should eat my words. Or something like that. After going on and on about the Island going pubic and all, I went and did a number on something I read. I have decided to stop preaching about my holier-than-thou virtues and face the music.

The only place I never double-check what I write for spellings and grammar issues is right here. My blog. Its my space and I just type what I feel hoping that the emotion or point gets across irrespective of the hurried typing and the thoughts that flow even faster than I type. And then there’s the work thing…

In the middle of the many nice things I get to do like write kinky copy (that would be the text component of any ad and is not always kinky), come up with cool ideas for brands and smoke pot and work there is one thing that I have to do that I despise with a vengeance. And that is to spell check things before they leave the agency and head out for publication.

One hurried evening I went ahead and just scanned through something, signed it and sent it off to the newspapers for publication. And guess what? I passed over a typo. The word ”challenged” read as chanlleged and I missed it. And that my friends, in the advertising world is a bigger than big boo boo. Probably means I’m going to get my head chewed off, get a disappointed shake-of-the-head from my boss who has loved my work thus far and be asked to pay for part of the ad. Yikes.

Crossing my fingers, toes and buttcheeks that it won’t come to that. Please cross along with me? Boss will be in any moment now…