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Archive for the ‘Smashing Pumpkins’ Category

Yes, yes, I know it seems as though I can’t get enough of the Smashing Pumpkins this year. But tonight, tonight has been speaking volumes to me over the past 8 months.

This particular line, the title of my post, more than the one I love to trip on (believe in the resolute urgency of now) really rips at my gut. In the middle of a song about living in the moment, they drop this excruciating, hard to accept brick at you – the more you change, the less you feel. And you can’t help but realize how true it is.

This post has been on my mind for a while but I just can’t seem to find the right words to say it with. I’ve had many conversations with friends over the past few weeks about it too. All about the fact that we’re unable to feel like we used to. That inability to feel those intense emotions we used to feel when we were younger. The rush, the feel, the thrill of the chase and even the pain of loss all seem mellowed down versions of what they used to be. But the biggest grouse is if I am actually able to love again. Or hurt intensely again as a result of that love turning sour. Am I only meant to have that one great love in my life? Isn’t it possible to love again? To feel those things that made me realize that I am alive? It’s saddening to grow up if this is what growing up turns you into. Or is it simply a mind block? Or is it that the person I will be able to feel those things about hasn’t quite come around yet?

A friend was telling me that he ended a relationship that was near perfection to him because he realized that he really wasn’t feeling it. That amazing gut-wrenching feeling that he felt with the last person he was in love with simply wasn’t there. And I couldn’t help but nod in agreement and get quite worked up about it because it’s exactly the same with me. The more we change and the more we grow up, the less we are able to feel. Our minds tend to over power our hearts instead of it being the other way around, the way it used to be. Another friend told me that when he broke up with a girlfriend years ago he was shattered but when he recently broke up with his last girlfriend, things felt so very different. Yes, he missed the loss of the familiarity of having her around, but he said it was all very adult and he didn’t feel like his world was ripped apart.

With me, I doubt it has anything to do with inner strength or anything like it. I just feel that as I grow stronger as a person, my heart grows weaker. At the soul, the core of my being was someone who used to get a rush out of things and all I feel now are mediocre emotions. I listen to love songs, watch soppy movies, pine for Heathcliff… all to no avail because they just make me long for what I have lost even more so. Every nerve ending used to be charged with emotions. Not to say I was emo or anything like that, but my heart used to be my strongest asset. I used to feel for people, for causes, for everything. And now all I have is a consciously forced push in that direction because heading in the opposite one will surely be the death of me. I can’t be cold. That for sure, is not in me to be. But lukewarm is a far more saddening state of being, don’t you think?

As oxymoronish (I coined a word!) as it may sound, it is really heart breaking that my heart may not break again.

Mended Heart by Metaltamer

Mended Heart by Metaltamer

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The desperate, the restless & the broken-hearted…

 

It’s time.

Tonight is when it all starts to make sense.

We found &  followed eachother in blind faith

And in 5 short months we lived lifetimes together.

Loved, lost, found, hated, cried, desired…

Its not over. Its only just beginning. Tonight.

 

I’m going to quote the Smashing Pumpkins who seem to be much more eloquent about it that I am. All I can say is that there’s this huge well of feelings inside and I can’t get it all out. So, take over Pumpkins…

Time is never time at all

You can never ever leave without leaving a piece of youth
And our lives are forever changed
We will never be the same
The more you change the less you feel

Believe, believe in me, believe
Believe that life can change
That you’re not stuck in vain
We’re not the same, we’re different tonight
Tonight so bright
Tonight

And you know you’re never sure
But you’re sure you could be right
If you held yourself up to the light
And the embers never fade in your city by the lake
The place where you were born

Believe, believe in me, believe
Believe in the resolute urgency of now
And if you believe there’s not a chance tonight
Tonight, so bright
Tonight

We’ll crucify the insincere tonight
We’ll make things right, we’ll feel it all tonight
We’ll find a way to offer up the night tonight
The indescribable moments of your life tonight
The impossible is possible tonight
Believe in me as I believe in you, tonight

Tonight, Tonight – by the Smashing Pumpkins 

The one thing I can honestly say to each and everyone involved in this production… I love you. Each and everyone of you. And I’m going to let that show tonight. 

Tonight my parents and friends will be in the audience, but I perform only for you. 

ON WITH THE SHOW!

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The Smashing Pumpkins said “believe in the resolute urgency of now” and as if to contradict themselves, they also said “the more you change the less you feel” 

I think both those statements just about sums up the last 2 weeks of my life. The last 2 weeks in which I have not been in contact with the rat race, internet and at times not even been where I could get phone signals to boot. All I can say is that I want to run back and re-live them. There are no words to explain the feelings, so I’ll give you the low-down and let you feel for yourself. 

I landed at Marzipan’s on Christmas day and never left. I went home once to get clothes but that was about it. For those of you who don’t know Marzipan, she’s my bestest friend in the whole world. Since my birthday was the next day, she organized a surprise birthday BBQ and invited the rest of our friends with whom we all grew up together. It was amazing to say the least. They served as a reminder that not all of my 29 years were a waste. 

The next few days were a haze of alcohol, cigarettes and way too much weed. It was fabulous. It reminded me of how much of a bum I am inside. I work hard, play hard and do all those rat-racy things that are expected of me just to survive. But if I had a choice, I sit around doing nothing, smoking up and being happy. Doing nothing makes me happy? Did I say that? That’s the effect of so much grass in my system I guess.

Then someone came up with a harebrained scheme to camp out in Yala on 31st night. So we all packed off and set out, doing just that. It was like coming home for me after spending so many months of my childhood there. And we found a perfect spot on the beach, set up camp and had the most unusual 31st night ever. Shooting stars, the wilderness and perfect company. Who could ask for more?

Add to that boat rides & a river bath in Tissa, a peaceful night in Unawatuna with some outta this world grass and I don’t think I wanted anything to do with Colombo anymore.

The best part of it all? That I am blessed to have the bestest friend in the whole wide world. Someone who would do so much just to see a smile on my face. I can’t believe your gone Mars. Its like the light went out of the world all over again.

I’m so proud of the woman she has become. She is mellower and despite how much she complains of the weight she’s put on, I really looked at her and what I saw was a mother. A beautiful, loving mother with the perfect baby boy. She is blessed and I am blessed to have a wild-child turned mother-goddess as my best friend.

And my New Year resolution? Not to make one.

I think this is going to be the year where I take life as it comes.  

Happy New Year blogsphere… 

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