The Little Drummer Boy

The lights are unusually dim on kottu today as RD makes his way to the entrance. He is about to click and enter the Sri Lankan blogsphere. Suddenly he pauses, his finger just shy of the key. Muffled giggles can be heard from somewhere beyond his screen. A sudden, loud ‘shhhhh’ is then heard, from a familiar voice, probably Cerno’s, after which there is silence again.

RD scratches his head in confusion and for the umpteenth time that week wondered why he didn’t have more hair to scratch. He was getting on in years. Add to that the 3 years of blog wisdom he has been pouring out and he might just be hitting close to 73 now. Young nubile girls only fall at his feet in his dreams anymore, save a random gypsy once in a way… and even there the offer is not for tantric sex, but for marriage which means he’ll come home to curlers and a face mask every evening. He shudders.

Breaking out of his daydream, or to put it more eloquently… daymare, he debates for a split second before clicking into kottu.

It’s pitch dark. He hears a strange sound which reminds makes him feel like he’s inside a Steven King novel and is about to turn around and head for the hills. Then suddenly the lights come on and the familiar pink header of kottu returns. But instead of a bunch of blog posts, all his favourite bloggers jump out of the screen, perch themselves on his laptop (promptly crumbling it into a useless heap) and scream “HAPPY BLOG BIRTHDAY RD!!!”

He blinks. Shakes his head vigorously like a dog after a bath and looks again. He wasn’t imagining it. This ridiculous bunch of nincompoops had finally discovered his true identity. His Friday the 13^th nightmare had actually come true. They did remember to bring enough booze with them though. Thank goodness for that.

 On a lighter note, happy birthday RD from all of us to you. It’s thanks to you and your blog that has kept most of us bloggers on a high note even on their worst days. Your blog provides so much inspiration, rib-tickling humour and a wealth of knowledge for everyone here. We’ve taken a unanimous vote and you’re the blogger of the decade. Now get up, pour yourself a drink in the left bottom corner of your screen where Brandix & Cerno are mixing Mojitos & Long Islands and toast all of us lovely people who love you so much. 

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29 Forever!

This Friday is a day I have been dreading since this year began. I’ll start to live the last year of my life as a 20-something. Yuck. Disgusting. Terrible. Incorrigible. How will I stand being a 30-something after that? I was told that more people will start to take me seriously. Well screw that. I just want to stay young. Since this is going to be my last post for this week, I thought I’d do my birthday post in advance and tell you 29 things that I have learned since I graced this earth with my perfect nose and non-stop chatter. There’s something special about being born during the holidays. You get 2 presents. Everyone is in a festive mood. And the celebrations never stop. Unlike most people I don’t go to sleep on the 25th of December thinking that its all over. I go to sleep thinking I’m waking up to yet another day of celebrations and this time its going to all centre around me. The last few years have been a bit of a non-event though. What with the Tsunami and everything else that’s been going on in my life, I really haven’t felt very much like celebrating. This year I finally want to throw caution to the wind and have a ball and then Mrs. Santa decided not to grant me one of my wishes. No bonus = no money to celebrate. Sigh. Never mind, here are my 29 pearls of wisdom for you…

1. The best way to avoid braces as a child is to stick your hand in the fan as a baby. I did when I was only a few months old and had to stop sucking my fingers. For some strange reason I never sucked my thumb. But needless to say, I have perfect, albeit shortish teeth.
2. Ensure that you have a best friend who you can completely be yourself around. Ideally this friend should have no inhibitions. Mine farts, burps and does virtually every disgusting thing possible around me so that I can do the same around her too.
3. Everybody else’s mother winds up being your best friend whilst your mum never understands you, but is always available for a chat when your friends have a problem
4. Always have pets. When no one understands you, they will. It helps to create a language they comprehend. If required my dictionary of doggie language can be shared with others.
5. If you know someone well enough, they can never lie to you because you can see right through them
6. Indulge. When you can afford it and really want to, just go ahead. Its far better than living in regret & deprivation
7. If you find a grey hair, panic.
8. Make a list of things you want to do before you reach a certain age. Just thinking it won’t help make it happen.
9. Make sure you’re swept off your feet at least once in your lifetime
10. There’s only one person in your life whose lips relate to yours. The perfect kiss is not an urban legend but it may not be a lasting attachment
11. Understand the difference between like and love. Strangely enough, it was one of the tougher lessons I had to learn
12. Learn to be a little cynical, it saves a lot of heartache
13. Despite what the books say, no one loves like they’ve never been hurt
14. On the eve of your 29^th birthday, sit down with your gay cousins and plan your funeral. They’ll tell you that once you’re passed 30, you become a walking corpse. Gay men are more honest with you about yourself that anyone else is.
15. Don’t ask ‘does this make me look fat?’ If you don’t know yourself, don’t expect anyone else to lie to you.
16. Get to know people outside your usual circle. You’ll be amazed at how much you learn and how much your strangely have in common
17. Stand up for what you believe in. Don’t wait for someone else to and then just back them up. The first stand is what matters.
18. The Peppers were right when they said ‘music is my aeroplane’
19. When the world gets you down, when someone hurts you beyond repair, don’t hold it in. Numbness does more damage than you can imagine. Lock everything out, cry for days on end if you must, because when you finally go back out, you’ll find that you can actually laugh about it. Its amazing medicine for the soul.
20. Everybody, every single person you love and trust will let you down at some point. And you can never be prepared for it.
21. Lemonade isn’t the only thing you can make when life hands you lemons. There are quite a few cocktail recipes online.
22. If you let the sun go down on your anger, you’ll wake up feeling like a cow.
23. You’re not intelligent if you don’t have a sense of humour, even if the joke is on you
24. Don’t define your life by whom or what you love. Love is a bonus, not the be-all and end-all of it
25. Complete honesty from someone you love is the greatest gift that their love can give you
26. Never fake an orgasm. What’s the point in getting naked with someone if you’re not going to enjoy it?
27. Decide if you’re going to work for the money or satisfaction and don’t complain about it. They both may come together, but that’s just a bonus.
28. Don’t leave anything behind. There’s no point in being remembered after your gone if you weren’t thought of when you were.
29. Shake what your mama gave you.

Merry Christmas everyone! I hope you’re surrounded by the people that mean the most to you. There’s no greater gift.

Ps. Family isn’t necessarily the one you’re born into 

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