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Archive for the ‘Narcissistic Nuances’ Category

I don’t fit into a box and most of my life people have been trying to figure me out, including myself. During the course of this year I’ve been starting to appreciate that there’s no box big enough to hold the anomaly that is me. A friend sent me an Ani DiFranco song called In or Out which I just managed to listen to. I related. Completely. Thank you Ne. Have a listen y’all…

Guess there’s something wrong with me
Guess I don’t fit in
No one wants to touch it
No one knows where to begin
I’ve got more than one membership
To more than one club
And I owe my life
To the people that I love

He looks me up and down
Like he knows what time it is
Like he’s got my number
Like he thinks it’s his
He says,
Call me, Miss DiFranco,
If there’s anything I can do
I say,
It’s Mr. DiFranco to you

Somedays the line I walk
Turns out to be straight
Other days the line tends to deviate
I’ve got no criteria for sex or race
I just want to hear your voice
I just want to see your face

She looks me up and down
Like she thinks that I’ll mature
Like she’s got my number
Like it belongs to her
She says,
Call me, Ms. DiFranco
If there’s anything I can do
I say, I’ve got spots
I’ve got stripes, too

Their eyes are all asking
Are you in, or are you out
And I think, oh man,
What is this about?
Tonight you can’t put me
Up on any shelf

‘Cause I came here alone
I’m gonna leave by myself

I just want to show you
The way that I feel
And when I get tired
You can take the wheel to me
What’s more important
Is the person that I bring
Not just getting to the same restaurant
And eating the same thing

Guess there’s something wrong with me
Guess I don’t fit in
No one wants to touch it
No one knows where to begin
I’ve more than one membership
To more than one club
And I owe my life
To the people that I love

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Thanks BlackLullaby & Polka Dots for the tag. I’ve opted to use a term from Richard Bach when he wrote a letter to his younger self in The Bridge Across Forever because it is essentially things I really wish I knew then, which I’ve learned now.

Future__Present__Past_by_JusT_ShanT

Dear sandwich of 17,

You turn 30 this year and it’s been a long journey. Most of what you’ve done is pretty darn good between where you are and where I am now. Here’s just a few things to look out for along the way :

You’re going to skip an A/L exam. It will make for a pretty neat story to tell when you’re older, but it will also prevent you from getting the aggregate you need to go to Uni. You’ll regret it but you ought to know that you do pretty good for yourself career wise until you wake up one morning close to 30 and realize that you’ve been selling soap for a living, albeit in much prettier terms.

Your save-the-world complex never really goes away. It converts itself into a mother hen variant though. You are a nurturer through and through so don’t you ever doubt it when your own mother says you can’t even take care of yourself. There’s plenty of evidence out there to the contrary.

Don’t be such a prude about sex. 23 is way too late in the day to give it away. Trust me, when you finally find someone you can completely open up with sexually, you’ll be able to unlock doors within you that you never knew existed. In my case it was fairly late in the day that I discovered that. Go out there, get laid, enjoy it. You don’t have to worry about becoming promiscuous; we just aren’t built that way 🙂

Your mum was right though. You don’t really take care of yourself. Especially your heart. As a result it will lead you to making the worst relationship decisions of your life until you turn 29 and finally discover otherwise. It will also result in the terrible friendships with people who walk all over you. But you finally learn to stand up for yourself at 29 too. You get married way too early and it takes you away from the person you are now at 17. But rest assured, 29 will come with you rediscovering your former self and your former passions like never before. You’ll have someone perfectly unorthodox to thank for it. I’m not telling you who though. It’s someone you need to discover for yourself. And trust me, the surprise will be startlingly pleasant. The friends I have today and the people I love in this very moment, I wouldn’t trade for anything else in the world.

You look for the poetry and romance in everything. You’ll watch a masterpiece called 2001:A Space Odyssey and feel all warm and fuzzy inside when Dr. Floyd video conferences his little daughter & feel like crying when HAL 9000 is disconnected. You’ll watch AI and curl up in a ball and cry because the robot is abandoned. Don’t ever regret your ability to feel so intensely even if the fact that no one gets that about you will bring you down. You will hurt a lot. But you will also love a lot. Don’t ever deny the intensity and the capacity of your heart. You feel everything. It’s rare. Treasure it.

I know you’re in a rush to grow up, but I have some bad news for you on that front. You never do. Live with it. Your child-like optimism will get you through some pretty dark days and trust me; the decade ahead will be the darkest of your life. But you will come through it and learn to live and love again.

Irrespective of what anyone tries to tell you, you’re a good girl Nat and that’s important to know. I’ve watched you for years, seen how you’ve handled things that would have turned most others stark raving mad or the epitome of bitchiness, to say the least. You’ve just stood there with so much grace and smiled through it all, opting to hurt alone. No matter how hurt you are, you try your hardest to keep things peaceful for anyone else involved, both victim & villain. You have a fierce sense of loyalty that seems unparalleled sometimes and woe unto anyone who hurts someone you love.

Your strengths are your weaknesses and what hurts you most is the lack of reciprocation of feelings. But it’s all-good. You’re going to get through it all. People think you’re superwoman because of how strong you come across but you’re a bloody softy on the inside. I repeat : You’re a good girl. Don’t you dare forget it.

I won’t promise you a storybook ending, but you’re going to have the kinds of adventures others only dream of, every step of the way. Now go out there and live it!

Love,

Me, now aged 29 years, 10 months and 16 days.

P.s. Stop looking for the meaning of life, the universe and everything. Doug Adams already did that. The answer is 42. Go figure.

I hereby tag Hissyfits/Drama Queen/ The mad cat woman etc & the lovely ladies over at Aappa Thachchiya

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My new favourite obsession and the score to the movie they’re going to make about me when I’m gone. Vain, I am 😀

GHOST LOVE SCORE – Nightwish

We used to swim the same moonlight waters
Oceans away from the wakeful day

My fall will be for you
My love will be in you
If you be the one to cut me
I`ll bleed forever

Scent of the sea before the waking of the world
Brings me to thee
Into the blue memory

My fall will be for you
My love will be in you
If you be the one to cut me
I will bleed forever

Into the blue memory

A siren from the deep came to me
Sang my name my longing
Still I write my songs about that dream of mine
Worth everything I may ever be

The Child will be born again
That siren carried him to me
First of them true loves
Singing on the shoulders of an angel
Without care for love n` loss

Bring me home or leave me be
My love in the dark heart of the night
I have lost the path before me
The one behind will lead me

Take me
Cure me
Kill me
Bring me home
Every way
Every day
Just another loop in the hangman`s noose

Take me, cure me, kill me, bring me home
Every way, every day
I keep on watching us sleep

Relive the old sin of Adam and Eve
Of you and me
Forgive the adoring beast

Redeem me into childhood
Show me myself without the shell
Like the advent of May
I`ll be there when you say
Time to never hold our love

My fall will be for you
My love will be in you
You were the one to cut me
So I`ll bleed forever

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Love | by Enragedinfliction

Love | by Enragedinfliction

Thanks for the tag DD & DQ. I spent so much time trying to figure out what to put in this post and then I thought what the heck and just started typing, letting it take me where it should. I don’t think I’ve quite got it down yet, but not figuring it out is half the adventure ya?

Love is waking up in the middle of the night to find Stitch curled up into your body like a child, wanting your warmth.

Love is something every poet and songwriter across the planet has tried to nail down unsuccessfully because love will never be the same for everyone. It’s as unique as a fingerprint.

Love is hearing the sound of Stitch & MoCuishle body slamming the gate and whimpering with joy that you’re home each day.

Love is a lonely place because the other person will never feel it the way you do and vice versa.

Love is finding a shoe-box of old love letters and being able to still cry even if the feelings are all gone because you can still remember that you were able to love so completely.

Love is 6 pm at Old Joes with Dhammika, Pahan, Paul, David, Bandu, Mahesh and the rest of the boys, singing Sinhala songs over old arrack and deviled pork served by Raja way back when.

Love is cleaning up someone’s puke without flinching and nursing their hangover when they finally wake up.

Love is Wy, writing a post to remind me that I am stronger than the world gives me credit for after the many cat-fights we’ve had.

Love is sitting on a lonely beach and singing ‘somewhere out there’, knowing deep in your heart that the words must be true.

Love is rolling on the floor with uncontainable laughter with your best friend as you read your teenage diaries to one another, knowing how far you’ve come and how much you’re still the same.

Love is crying at your own wedding when the choir sings ‘love is only for the lucky and the strong’ because you’re still wondering if you’re either one.

Love is two strangers who find themselves in a port on a lonely, stormy night and deciding to adventure the world together without questioning or analyzing what it’s all about

Love is Brandon holding you while you cry feeling that your life as amounted to nothing, and him proceeding to write a poem for you that means so much.

Love is Mirantha holding you in his parents’ water-bed at age 7 until you fall asleep and it’s holding onto his gravestone 2 decades later and hoping that he is at peace wherever he is

Love is when it is not acknowledged and you still know it when you look into eachothers’ eyes in the heat of passion and see a tear fighting to break lose

Love is breaking free from someone who hurts you and learning to find your way in the big bad world again.

Love is knowing that sometimes it is not returned and learning to live with it.

Love is Vimu never forgetting what you did for him even if he now rubs shoulders with the worlds’ greatest

Love is your moment on stage when you know you’ve got it right because you audience either gasps or sighs or cries or laughs with you, feeling it with you

Love is knowing that you are going to be let down by the very people you love most and still being able to love them

Love is what turns people cynical because the best of things aren’t meant to last simply because we think that chemistry is love and not the real connection that comes in between the heat

Love is still being able to take a risk with your heart when life has given you every reason not to

Happy now D? 😉

Anyone who wants to write a similar post, please tag yourselves.

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So don’t ask me why and how but it’s in the middle of the day at work and I’m stoned. And I decided to write a post. And all that came to mind was this amazing exchange between a couple in this movie called Imagine Me & You that I watched a while ago and have watched twice after as well. It’s a gay themed movie in which one woman is a florist and the woman she loves has a passion for lilies. In the midst of their conversation, the florist tells her lover that giving someone a lily means “I dare you to love me’. It’s that amazing stuff? So I googled it and discovered that the Tiger Lily, actually does mean that. I’ve been going through this wierd pessimistic phase since of late and the optimist needed to break through again. I dare you to love me. That there is powerful stuff noh?

The Tiger Lily. A crass, loud, vibrant flower, implying the need to bare all of  your ugly self to another soul, daring them to love you, just the way you are.

Tiger Lily by Camera Wielding Fool

Tiger Lily by Camera Wielding Fool

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City of Lost Children by YagaK

City of Lost Children by YagaK

Hello blogosphere, says I sheepishly. I went missing, true to mt blog title and I have no clue how to find my way back. But Cerno reminded me that this place, right here is where I belong. There’s so much I’ve wanted to blog about over the past few weeks but the words are finding themselves more and more difficult to come out. Work’s been a bitch. But that’s supposed to be good thing for the likes of me who goes and gets myself into way too much drama. The escapes to paradise have been eye openers in so many ways though and sitting myself down on the beach is when the inspiration starts to flow. So many words, so many vivid pictures in my head

Last night I was at rehearsals for a play I’m acting in and for a while now I haven’t been able to get into this very intense scene. And then I closed my eyes and was asked to go into my happy place, my happy moment and I realized that even that one perfect moment of mine was in Una. It was one of those mind-blowing, gone too soon kinda moments. But even though the moment’s lost, I can literally feel every single emotion when I want to. And that can be frightening. Especially for a somewhat lost soul like myself.

I feel like I’m at the fringes of this place called home. Like a voyeur, looking in but I can’t find the doorway. I turned my back and went off looking for the doorway to a thousand churches a while ago and didn’t realize that all I needed to do was turn my back around and come home. And now it seems too late. Like a blind man, I’ve been feeling my way around, but there’s no door to be found. Just walls and windows. Walls keeping me out, windows letting me peep in and see what I have lost. I said “People Always Leave” in my last post and I never realized though that in a way, I’m the one who left this time.

So much for the glory of the adventurer huh?

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1. People start asking you to broaden your horizons in terms of your vacation spots

2. Random beach boys know you by name, offer you cigarettes & ask you how your dogs are

3. You know random beach boys by name and actually enjoy their company

4. You even know the names of the beach boys dogs

5. You sit your ass down, slap bang in the centre of the bay and can stay there forever

6. You suddenly find the down-south Sinhala dialect creeping into your conversation. Gedara yanawei?

7. Paying for a room is at the rate you decide

8. You actually get a good night’s sleep irrespective of the fact that you’re an incurable insomniac

9. It seems strange not to fall asleep or wake up to the sound of waves lulling

10. Your wrists & ankles haven’t seen the light of day because of all the friendship bands you’ve tied on them, marking the number of times you’ve come here

11. Sand between your ass cheeks seems perfectly normal

12. You have a gag reflex at the smell of bananas, but you eat banana fritters as your staple diet when you’re here

13. You think wind-surfing looks like having sex, only better. Poetry in motion, I tell ya.

14. It’s only June and you’ve been outstation 11 times this year already and 10 of those visits were to Una.

15. Oh yeah… and you refer to it as Una instead of its proper name. If you’re nicknaming something, it’s gotta mean something.

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