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Archive for the ‘A Family Affair’ Category

Hi all! Just a quick post on behalf of RD (that dashing young lad from London) in case Gypsy hasn’t beaten me to it already. RD is in town as you know and would love to meet up with all of us. If you’re free this Friday night/evening, we’ll probably all meet at Barefoot I think. Please let me know if you’re in by way of a comment on my blog or Gyppo’s, we’ll get back to you with the final details via mail.

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The apartment was signed for yesterday and my roomies (which include the lovely Lady Jade and a mutual friend who I will merely refer to as the statuesque beauty for now) and I are moving in on the 15th of September. All’s set to go. Of course this does make me feel like the older, uglier one of the bunch. I console myself only by thinking that I am the wiser one, which I highly doubt holds any truth. Never-the-less, here’s a view from my bedroom balcony, albeit taken in bad light off my camera phone –

newplace

For now all I can tell you is that an old lady seems to have died in one of the bedrooms, sending us girls into a teeny state of panic. It’s one of those old apartments that were in existence in Colombo way before the multitude of apartment building became an eyesore. It’s located within minutes of everything and has a homely feel about it.

More will follow in true RD fashion with regular updates and pictures as the place starts to become a home. Stitch & MoCuishle will be over on weekends so I won’t be completely out of their lives.

Needless to say, I’m excited as fuck

P.s. Sorry for the borrow RD, we shall try and come up with a name that all 3 of us are happy with. Something epic like Isengard or Minas Tirith or something like that.

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princess-martha

I’m happily high & stoned in Una and the strangest thoughts are popping into my head. This is going to be posted on a sober working day, under completely different circumstances, so please be mindful of that. Please?

There’s a baby here in Una at the Happy Banana. Her name is Martha and I’ve fallen in love with her. I’m here for the 5th time this year and finally for a long enough holiday. And every time I’ve come, this amazing little baby girl has been here. She’s Russian I hear and her mum lives here in Una now. For me, she is one of the best attractions here. Ask for her if you drop by at Happy Banana at any time. Just remember to roll your Rs because the locals tend to call her Marrrtha and I think she responds to it being pronounced that way. And while you’re at it, try and get her mum to play a game of pool with you. She’s a mean-assed player who’ll beat the pants off you any day.

The thing is that I’m asking myself why I’m not a mum yet with my own little Martha (or Anakin 😉 ). I’m turning 30 this year (oh god not another post about my age!) and I’m asking myself why it hasn’t happened yet? To someone who is the complete opposite of the baby crazy Monica on Friends, but someone whose heart still melts when she sees a baby in a mother’s arms?

And then I ask myself if that’s what I really want. To have a child? Because all I need to sort that out is to have unprotected sex at the right time of the month ya? But I can’t picture that happening. When I see myself with a child, I see a family. To use the corniest of corny terms, I see “the American dream”. So I need to ask myself if I actually want to be a mother or want a consumerist view of what’s supposed to be perfect in my mind?

Sigh. Shall move onto happier things in my head now. The view here is too perfect to let my mind wander in those directions for too long.

Besides, this post not supposed to be about my whining. It’s about Princess Martha, the most beautiful baby in the world. I have been plotting to kidnap her for a while and even I boldly asked her mum if I could take her away with me when I head back to Colombo. She was almost contemplating it for a while, but no mum would give away a baby that perfect.

She’s also so darn friendly that you can’t resist carrying her and playing with her. Everyone in Una tends to love her & the regulars at Happy Banana all play with her, feed her and help take care of her. As tiny as she is, she shows no fear and giggles at all of them, despite the fact that they are all big, dark burly men. I think babies are better judges of people than we are. She knows who’s nice and not just by instinct.

Martha, my little princess… you’re going to be the first thing I look for when I get there next time despite all the other alluring attractions…

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Till we meet again…

The knife has cut an inch deeper now. Almost as if it knew how long it could cut to a certain depth before the numbness sets in. I can’t seem to do the one surefire thing to ease my pain… I can’t find a song that relates to my mood. I want to sing all our songs over and over again and cherish the pain because it keeps me closer to you. The curtain is closed. For the last time. The last vocal warm up. The last make-up call. The last circle of love. The last second on stage. Elsie’s Bar was truly a place I could trust. Probably the best bar in the world. And it’s closed for business now. But before it did, it healed my broken heart.

As I hugged each of you for the last time, I handed over a piece of me to you. I have fallen in love with each of you in my own way and you have walked away, taking me with you. And it hurts. This is my tribute to the magical souls I shared the last six months of my life with. 

Feroze… Naana… you’re truly a magnificent person. A visionary director who believed in my lost soul. And for that I thank you. Your intelligence, your passion for theatre and your big brotherly attitude with us is truly the embodiment of the word “naana” which we fondly call you. I love you truly Naana and I’ll never forget what you have done for me through the years as a friend & a director. 

Sij, your temper mixed with your teddy-bear like sweetness will always make me fond of you. I also have so much respect for the fact that you treat everyone the same and wouldn’t even hesitate to yell at Naana of you have to. Watching you mime all our songs backstage was an absolute scream, especially “but he killed Rosie & Gilda”! 

Dinna, my partner in crime when it comes to harassing anyone just for kicks. A high five to you. You’re wouldn’t hesitate to count me as one of the guys & still come up with every possible boob joke you can muster up to annoy me. 

Rana, you’re truly an amazing musician and an overall nice guy. I’ve worked with you so many times before and was even a groupie during the Kreb’s Cycle days. And every time, you reinvent yourself and bring something new to the party. The daily hot box sessions after practices which I have occasionally popped in for have been truly memorable. 

Katunayake Dilan, our very own vocal director and much feared thug at the airport. An addition to the party and a welcome one. You constantly thought I hated you because of my killer gazes. I’m glad we cleared that one out! You’re amazingly talented for your age and I’m happy to count you as a friend. 

Mikey & Princo… the two of you are such darlings. And so is that amazing little Malli of yours. Russell Daminen Sam Holsinger am I right? I’ve worked with you, acted with you, drunk with you and been in awe of the amazing lighting design you concocted in the last few productions that I have been in along with your amazing cocktails. I love the two of you like I love my own parents. I really do. 

Brandix, my kindred spirit. I’m glad we finally shared a stage together. You have opened my eyes to so many things about myself that I have been afraid to admit for so long. You see me for me. Very few people do. And for that I love you. I am in dumbstruck at the levels of energy and passion you carry on to the stage, every moment you are there, passing on some of it to the rest of us with you. You are the epitome of talent and I am honoured to know you.

Nathan, I am so proud of you. I have seen you come out of your shell and shine. You have the kindest soul and a passion for Harry Potter which I share. Everytime I look at my bookshelf & see the copy of Beedle the Bard you gave me, I will remember you and smile. 

Gayan. Mugabe. You were one of my babies long before this production began. I have watched you grow into an amazingly powerful actor through the years and still not lose your edge of sensitivity. I love your beat up car and I think it adds character to your personality. You’re one of the first babies I adopted in theatre when we worked backstage together on Run for Your Wife and I have loved you since. I hope you find what you don’t know you’re looking for my friend, because you more than deserve it. 

Absent, my dear sweet Joey. You’re someone I can sit down & talk to until the sun rises in the west. 😉 You have that same “I can’t go to sleep after a good night out” madness that I do which results in some of the best conversations I’ve ever had with anyone. You listen to me whine over & over again, and still know exactly what to say to me. This production cut a little too close to home for you & it brought out a newer, more passionate side to your performance which was mesmerising to say the least & I am in awe of you. I know I’ve made a friend for life & this production was a reaffirmation of that. 

Swasha, you darling, slow-on-the-uptake, wanna-be-the-stylish-one, dahling! You are an amazing actress, a super friend and someone I would love to act with over and over again. You bring something to a production that is bigger than just your acting skills, you bring with you your ability to make us all smile. You asked me last night why you end up being the most bugged person in the cast, it’s probably because you’re also the most endearing. You’re a soft, gentle, compassionate, beautiful soul and I love you for it. 

Natasha, you’re a goddess. It was truly amazing to have you on stage with us. Someone as talented & famous as you being on stage and pulling off a kick ass acting performance to boot was truly wow. You sang powerfully, slapped Yasas and Gayan with such finesse and made your audience clap not only at your singing but your hilarious acting as well. Please come back and act again, I loved exchanging those evil glares with you on stage & our scene together was truly fun. Thank you for sharing bits and pieces of your life with me that made so much sense of mine. You have really been an inspiration to me. 

Gypsy… you’re exactly what everyone says you are… a ray of sunshine in each of our lives. Especially mine. You have a special blend of magic you’ve woven into each of our hearts with every little second you’ve spent with us and unlike the few of us who knew, your beautiful smile never faltered letting people know that your heart was broken. You seemed to have been placed there to heal ours instead. And you did nothing short of that. You are the true spirit of la vie boheme. You have a special place in my heart baby girl and that’s exactly where you’re going to stay. 

Maheshika, Latha Walpola’s prettier, long lost twin. You have never ceased to amuse us with your natural talent for comedy and it shows when you’re out there on stage. You’ve got this perpetual mischievous grin on your face that says you’re always upto something. I am so honoured to have shared Rosie Crantz with you. You gave her such a fitting farewell that I had tears of joy in my eyes watching you on closing night. And the boobies aren’t a touch on how big your heart is. 

Tracy, my little mighty mouse. For the tiniest member of the cast you have managed to terrorize all of us including giants like Raj & Yas. I honestly pity the man who’ll marry you thinking you’re this tiny, adorable thing and then see the harpy that rises from within. You’re amazingly talented, have way too much energy than it’s possible for one tiny human being to have and I have thoroughly enjoyed exacting my revenge on you each night on stage, turning you from your bearded disguise into a bashful, blushing little girl. You’re perfection in the tiniest package possible… you’re a doll. 

Buddhima… my rock & roll nangi. You have inspired us all with your music and lyrics and quiet way of overcoming the mountains life seems to place in your way. You’re awesome and I am going to become your number one groupie someday. You rock my world. Just remember that we are all here for you in the bad times as well and that you don’t have to handle all the shit that is dealt to you all alone… your problem is everyone’s problem and we’ll get though anything together.

Pasan… you’re a special child. We connected fairly early on in this production & that connection has never wavered. No we will not lose touch, we will continue to message eachother the weirdest things in the middle of the day or night & share our passions for the queer side of life. I know you’re going places in your life & I couldn’t have been able to tell that you had only done Sinhala theatre since you clutched on to the role pf Ben Johnson with such finesse & it was an experience to watch you. 

Pierre, you darling… constantly forgetting your lines, adding in your little bits n pieces, making me want to crack up on stage. That vigorous spank you give me on your non-existent bum at the beginning of the play has swollen it into existence now! You’ll never forget to come looking for me before I get on stage and wish me all the best. You always come looking for me to congratulate me when I do well in a scene and that means a lot to me. 

Saajid, you started off with us looking all awkward and unsure of yourself and when you found your wings became such an annoying little darling. You’d get on stage and become the bane of every single actor you possibly could resulting in me slapping right across the face on stage during performance nights, everytime you would lecherously demand my attention. You have more soul in you that a lot of us do. Your encouraging mail to us on opening night uplifted all of us, giving us the strength to go on. 

Kevin, another on of my babies from before and my very own Harry Potter on Drums. For someone who joined us to be part of the band, you have turned into such a talented actor and I am so proud of you. Your amazing sense of humour makes you an instant darling of the stage. You’re a pleasure to watch and super friend to have in any production. Here’s to many more together my little padwan. 

Sanjeewa, you crack me up. Everyday. Every rehearsal. Every performance. Without fail. You’ve perfected the fine art of singing & speaking in squeaky falsetto and it’s brilliant. I’ll never forget how you kept chucking fake money in my boob to get rid of me everytime I tried to make you lose a game of cards or draughts on stage. You’ve got classic expressions on your face my friend and I can’t wait to act with you again and again and again… 

Dinesh, my personal pervert. I love acting with you on stage and off it. Between the two of us we can concoct the most vulgar things to do, just for kicks. You are my soul mate on the dance floor & my friend when I want to sit down and drown my sorrows with. You and I go way back and we’ll never lose touch, never stop being friends and never stop being utterly vulgar when we can. I love you and will jump on you when I see you next. 

Yasas. My Loku Lamaya. My apple-cheeked doll. Moreover, my Malli. I love you truly, madly, deeply. You instinctively know when I’m upset, know exactly how to handle me & when all else fails, to hold me when I cry or just need someone to be close to take the pain away. You’re the bestest little brother a girl could ask for… almost! Don’t you ever stop writing or acting or expressing yourself in one way or the other. That silent storm raging in your head you keep trying to ignore is there for a reason. And if you ever need anything, I’m here. I’m sure you didn’t call me akki for some random reason. So my phone’s on and my heart is open 24/7.

Yashoda, my cutie pie. It’s official. I am adopting you and I am NOT kidding. I’m just trying to figure out the legalities of it, until then I suggest you start packing & kissing your present family goodbye. You have the most adorable expressions that even puppies can’t beat. You manage to look like an angel even while humping Dinesh on stage and that’s just amazing. You’re mine and no one is taking you away from me!!! 

Anush, my anus. You came back. And now you’re leaving all over again. We bonded over Sunday morning Milos at my house where we’d pour our hearts out to eachother whilst nursing our hangovers. Come back to me soon Gonzago. You’re my neighbour, my friend and another one of my babies from a time that’s imprinted in my heart forever. You tried your hardest not to get emotionally attached to this production but I know you did and I know how hard that must be for you because it’s a whole new set of goodbyes all over again. I’ll miss you babe.

Randy you are brand new and it never showed. You have the soul of someone who’s been in theatre all his life. You were supposed to play a lead but you were big enough to step down when you realized you hadn’t dedicated enough time to you role. A lot of people I know just crave the limelight of theatre. You my friend, just wanted the passion. And that’s rare. I remember how you clutched on to me to ease by unending cough and tears on our dress rehearsal night when I didn’t think I could do it. You held me until it all subsided so that I could go out there and kick some ass. Thank you for that and I’ll never forget you.

Dilrukshi you’re a sweety with your peter pan tights. You have beautifully expressive features and should be in theatre more often. You remember my harmonies when I forget them and holler them in my ear so that I don’t look bad on stage. You’re not so shady my girl, you’re a real star. Always helpful, an actress who is smart on stage, fixing other people’s problems when you can and trying to keep everyone’s energy levels high with your bouncy attitude. Thank you. 

And that is why my heart is broken. When so many people do so much for you, you tend to let your heart be taken away by them. The tears that were building up whilst I wrote this are falling shamelessly now. How do I go on without you in my life every day? How do I come to terms with the fact that it’s all over? How do I go on with my miserable existence when I know I am so much more when you are with me? Goodbye my beautiful angels at Elsie’s Bar. This play was the thing I was looking for to heal me and it truly has. Everytime I pour out a drink from now on, I will drink to us. 

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Darth Maximus was. In my search for the 3 day weekend to find meaning in my life, it hits me late Friday night anyway.  Let me tell you a story. A couple of years ago when my life was at its lowest point I just picked up the Sunday Observer and went through the classifieds I wanted to play with some puppies to feel better so I went straight to the kennel notices & went to a house on the pretense of buying a puppy. There was a litter of glossy black Labrador puppies that I visited and in the midst of playing with them, one of the pack wanted nothing to do with me. He grabbed an old dead leaf, ran off, hid under his kennel and glared at me while chewing on it. I fell in love. I took him home. 

Months later things just got worse and worse. I was literally all alone in the world except for my beloved Max. I had decided to die. Everything was planned out to perfection and no one would know until it was too late. Every one reaches their limit. People may say that God doesn’t give you more than you can handle. But I had more than my share. I won’t go into the details because that’s not necessary. Everyone has a limit they reach before breaking point and I was way beyond mine. That’s all I need to say.  Max knew I was dying inside bit by bit. He grew more and more attached and protective of me day by day. But even he knew I was slipping away. When no one else knew, he did. I think he felt he needed to do something drastic. Unconditional love makes one do the extreme.  The day before my perfect suicide, Max died. Just like that. A beautiful 7 month black angel. All I could do was hold onto his dead body in the middle of a road and scream at the injustice. When things couldn’t get any worse, just 24 hours before I was destined to end it all…   

Jesus died to erase the sins of the world. Max died to erase the pain in my soul.  Darth Maximus died in my place and I am alive because of him today. This post is a tribute to my saviour. My first child and my salvation from my pain. My salvation from everyone who hurt me. My salvation from myself.  You soar in my soul baby. Mummy will never forget you.

 

Originally posted on 28 05 2007. I just read a post by my friend Absent that reminded me of my own painful loss and I felt the need to post it again.

 

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I’d like to say it’s getting better 4 years down the line, but I’d be lying. How do you recover from sending someone to feed the roses? Some days aren’t as dark as others. But then I wake up one morning and that gut-wrenching ache returns and I want to scream out at the injustice. And my deep rooted anger at you. For leaving me. For making me bury you when you were just coming to life.

I can’t go into another painful list of our memories this year, my love. So this year, it’s just a note to you from the me of now.

Things haven’t been the best. I’ve come close to the door of hell just this last year. And its been a while since I walked by your grave and let the tears flow. But not a day passes that I don’t miss your face, your evil eyes, the careless chuckle permanently etched across the lines of your face.

When things are all quiet, in the stillest, darkest moments of the night, I still talk to you, as though we were still cuddling in that water bed of yours. You still lay by my side and tell me your dreams and listen to mine.

I wonder if you are still listening. Still watching over me. The way I knew you did during those first dark days. Or have you moved on to a point where you don’t even see me anymore? My beautiful Eyes of Thundera. My sword of omens. My protector. My independent love song. 

It’s hard. I’m doing better than I thought I ever would. But it’s still hard. There’s this huge, swelling inside, clogged with un-named emotions that just won’t go away sometimes. And then I start flipping through our pictures. 2 little Jedi padwans, full of dreams and hopes and ready to take on anything that came our way. But then you went and died on me. And I walk the wilderness alone now. 

A decade may go by, but the pain will feel as fresh as if it was yesterday. I maybe angry with you. That’s never going to end. But neither will my love. 

 

In memory of Mirantha Fernando (27th January 1979  – 26th February 2005)

Come back & be with me one last time. When I step on that stage tonight, I will look for some trace of your face. I’ll perform for you only. You’ll be in every breath I take and every note I sing. You’ll be in the laughter of the audience. Their applause will be like your heart beating one more time, so close to mine. Come back to me, my love, for just one night…

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When December rolled around, I made a promise to her and myself that I will turn things around for myself. That a new dawn will come and I will start anew. Be born again and rise from the ashes as I usually do when terrible things come my way. Of course unlike all the crappy things that have happened in my life, this last situation has to have been the worst. If I go into the gory details right now, you won’t believe me anyway.

 I didn’t make a big list in my head or anything but somehow I knew that at midnight on the last day of this year, it would hit me. Almost like a list would appear from no where and it would be exactly what I needed to get through this year. 

Things happened. Christmas came and went, so did my birthday. Before I knew it I was on a midnight ride to Tissamaharama. I woke up the next morning, had a drink and toasted to the last day of the year with a tiny tinge of anticipation about what midnight would hold for me. 

We went on a boat ride. The wind was flying through my hair. I had my best bud with me and things seemed so nice. Off we went on what I would like to call a soul safari. Sadly I didn’t spot any leopard. But going back to Yala was like going back home. You see my Dad had this little holiday home by the lake in Weerawila and I would spend many of my vacations there. Inevitably it would lead to a weekly ride through the jungle on one of Daddy’s jeeps.

Going back into the area reminded me of exactly how much of my father’s daughter I am. My mum hated the outdoors and hunting and big game fishing and camping and everything my father was about. She tried her hardest to keep me away from it as well. But the older I grew, my passion for the outdoors became like an infectious disease. I craved for it more and more. Thank heavens for those few vacations I had in Trinco over the last few years or I would have died. There’s something about places in this country with minimal inhabitants that touch a chord in me. But Yala and Tissa and Weerawila are all about my childhood. About a time when things were simpler. A time I can appreciate far more now than I could then. I remember vacationing there with Mirantha. Of how we made our little base of operations in the back garden by the lake. Of how we screamed obscenities at the passers by as we drove to Katharagama. Yessiree… I am Daddy’s Girl.

Flash forward : The camp site was set up, the BBQ was on its way. Everyone was drinking up and smoking up and having a good time. Just when it got close to midnight I walked off and sat alone. Waiting. For that big moment to hit me. Midnight came and went. And I was still waiting. I could hear them calling out my name and looking for me. But I still waited. The moment just had to hit me. Some huge miraculous thing. And it didn’t. I sat there alone in the darkness and finally Marzipan found me, flung her arms around me and wished me a happy new year. 

Everything else was a bit of a haze until the following morning. I opened my tent flap and witnessed the most beautiful sunrise. The world looked as though it had been washed in a golden glow. And then it hit me. The fact that nothing was supposed to hit me at all. I mean what was I expecting? A shooting star to fall on my head the previous night?

I came back to Colombo missing the jungle and the little vision quest that I thought I was on. It feels a little incomplete that a menhir didn’t crack my skull open. But in the process, I think I realized that the best thing I can do for myself is not to wait for those special moments and plan for them and expect something epic to happen.

I’m going to let 2009 happen to me because I know I can handle  just about anything, come what may. What’s important is that I am stronger than anyone has ever given me credit for. Than even I have.

What’s important is that I’ll be ok. 

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