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Archive for the ‘December’ Category

I don’t fit into a box and most of my life people have been trying to figure me out, including myself. During the course of this year I’ve been starting to appreciate that there’s no box big enough to hold the anomaly that is me. A friend sent me an Ani DiFranco song called In or Out which I just managed to listen to. I related. Completely. Thank you Ne. Have a listen y’all…

Guess there’s something wrong with me
Guess I don’t fit in
No one wants to touch it
No one knows where to begin
I’ve got more than one membership
To more than one club
And I owe my life
To the people that I love

He looks me up and down
Like he knows what time it is
Like he’s got my number
Like he thinks it’s his
He says,
Call me, Miss DiFranco,
If there’s anything I can do
I say,
It’s Mr. DiFranco to you

Somedays the line I walk
Turns out to be straight
Other days the line tends to deviate
I’ve got no criteria for sex or race
I just want to hear your voice
I just want to see your face

She looks me up and down
Like she thinks that I’ll mature
Like she’s got my number
Like it belongs to her
She says,
Call me, Ms. DiFranco
If there’s anything I can do
I say, I’ve got spots
I’ve got stripes, too

Their eyes are all asking
Are you in, or are you out
And I think, oh man,
What is this about?
Tonight you can’t put me
Up on any shelf

‘Cause I came here alone
I’m gonna leave by myself

I just want to show you
The way that I feel
And when I get tired
You can take the wheel to me
What’s more important
Is the person that I bring
Not just getting to the same restaurant
And eating the same thing

Guess there’s something wrong with me
Guess I don’t fit in
No one wants to touch it
No one knows where to begin
I’ve more than one membership
To more than one club
And I owe my life
To the people that I love

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When December rolled around, I made a promise to her and myself that I will turn things around for myself. That a new dawn will come and I will start anew. Be born again and rise from the ashes as I usually do when terrible things come my way. Of course unlike all the crappy things that have happened in my life, this last situation has to have been the worst. If I go into the gory details right now, you won’t believe me anyway.

 I didn’t make a big list in my head or anything but somehow I knew that at midnight on the last day of this year, it would hit me. Almost like a list would appear from no where and it would be exactly what I needed to get through this year. 

Things happened. Christmas came and went, so did my birthday. Before I knew it I was on a midnight ride to Tissamaharama. I woke up the next morning, had a drink and toasted to the last day of the year with a tiny tinge of anticipation about what midnight would hold for me. 

We went on a boat ride. The wind was flying through my hair. I had my best bud with me and things seemed so nice. Off we went on what I would like to call a soul safari. Sadly I didn’t spot any leopard. But going back to Yala was like going back home. You see my Dad had this little holiday home by the lake in Weerawila and I would spend many of my vacations there. Inevitably it would lead to a weekly ride through the jungle on one of Daddy’s jeeps.

Going back into the area reminded me of exactly how much of my father’s daughter I am. My mum hated the outdoors and hunting and big game fishing and camping and everything my father was about. She tried her hardest to keep me away from it as well. But the older I grew, my passion for the outdoors became like an infectious disease. I craved for it more and more. Thank heavens for those few vacations I had in Trinco over the last few years or I would have died. There’s something about places in this country with minimal inhabitants that touch a chord in me. But Yala and Tissa and Weerawila are all about my childhood. About a time when things were simpler. A time I can appreciate far more now than I could then. I remember vacationing there with Mirantha. Of how we made our little base of operations in the back garden by the lake. Of how we screamed obscenities at the passers by as we drove to Katharagama. Yessiree… I am Daddy’s Girl.

Flash forward : The camp site was set up, the BBQ was on its way. Everyone was drinking up and smoking up and having a good time. Just when it got close to midnight I walked off and sat alone. Waiting. For that big moment to hit me. Midnight came and went. And I was still waiting. I could hear them calling out my name and looking for me. But I still waited. The moment just had to hit me. Some huge miraculous thing. And it didn’t. I sat there alone in the darkness and finally Marzipan found me, flung her arms around me and wished me a happy new year. 

Everything else was a bit of a haze until the following morning. I opened my tent flap and witnessed the most beautiful sunrise. The world looked as though it had been washed in a golden glow. And then it hit me. The fact that nothing was supposed to hit me at all. I mean what was I expecting? A shooting star to fall on my head the previous night?

I came back to Colombo missing the jungle and the little vision quest that I thought I was on. It feels a little incomplete that a menhir didn’t crack my skull open. But in the process, I think I realized that the best thing I can do for myself is not to wait for those special moments and plan for them and expect something epic to happen.

I’m going to let 2009 happen to me because I know I can handle  just about anything, come what may. What’s important is that I am stronger than anyone has ever given me credit for. Than even I have.

What’s important is that I’ll be ok. 

233516550949sunriseatyalalodge

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The Smashing Pumpkins said “believe in the resolute urgency of now” and as if to contradict themselves, they also said “the more you change the less you feel” 

I think both those statements just about sums up the last 2 weeks of my life. The last 2 weeks in which I have not been in contact with the rat race, internet and at times not even been where I could get phone signals to boot. All I can say is that I want to run back and re-live them. There are no words to explain the feelings, so I’ll give you the low-down and let you feel for yourself. 

I landed at Marzipan’s on Christmas day and never left. I went home once to get clothes but that was about it. For those of you who don’t know Marzipan, she’s my bestest friend in the whole world. Since my birthday was the next day, she organized a surprise birthday BBQ and invited the rest of our friends with whom we all grew up together. It was amazing to say the least. They served as a reminder that not all of my 29 years were a waste. 

The next few days were a haze of alcohol, cigarettes and way too much weed. It was fabulous. It reminded me of how much of a bum I am inside. I work hard, play hard and do all those rat-racy things that are expected of me just to survive. But if I had a choice, I sit around doing nothing, smoking up and being happy. Doing nothing makes me happy? Did I say that? That’s the effect of so much grass in my system I guess.

Then someone came up with a harebrained scheme to camp out in Yala on 31st night. So we all packed off and set out, doing just that. It was like coming home for me after spending so many months of my childhood there. And we found a perfect spot on the beach, set up camp and had the most unusual 31st night ever. Shooting stars, the wilderness and perfect company. Who could ask for more?

Add to that boat rides & a river bath in Tissa, a peaceful night in Unawatuna with some outta this world grass and I don’t think I wanted anything to do with Colombo anymore.

The best part of it all? That I am blessed to have the bestest friend in the whole wide world. Someone who would do so much just to see a smile on my face. I can’t believe your gone Mars. Its like the light went out of the world all over again.

I’m so proud of the woman she has become. She is mellower and despite how much she complains of the weight she’s put on, I really looked at her and what I saw was a mother. A beautiful, loving mother with the perfect baby boy. She is blessed and I am blessed to have a wild-child turned mother-goddess as my best friend.

And my New Year resolution? Not to make one.

I think this is going to be the year where I take life as it comes.  

Happy New Year blogsphere… 

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This Friday is a day I have been dreading since this year began. I’ll start to live the last year of my life as a 20-something. Yuck. Disgusting. Terrible. Incorrigible. How will I stand being a 30-something after that? I was told that more people will start to take me seriously. Well screw that. I just want to stay young. Since this is going to be my last post for this week, I thought I’d do my birthday post in advance and tell you 29 things that I have learned since I graced this earth with my perfect nose and non-stop chatter. There’s something special about being born during the holidays. You get 2 presents. Everyone is in a festive mood. And the celebrations never stop. Unlike most people I don’t go to sleep on the 25th of December thinking that its all over. I go to sleep thinking I’m waking up to yet another day of celebrations and this time its going to all centre around me. The last few years have been a bit of a non-event though. What with the Tsunami and everything else that’s been going on in my life, I really haven’t felt very much like celebrating. This year I finally want to throw caution to the wind and have a ball and then Mrs. Santa decided not to grant me one of my wishes. No bonus = no money to celebrate. Sigh. Never mind, here are my 29 pearls of wisdom for you…

  1. The best way to avoid braces as a child is to stick your hand in the fan as a baby. I did when I was only a few months old and had to stop sucking my fingers. For some strange reason I never sucked my thumb. But needless to say, I have perfect, albeit shortish teeth.
  2. Ensure that you have a best friend who you can completely be yourself around. Ideally this friend should have no inhibitions. Mine farts, burps and does virtually every disgusting thing possible around me so that I can do the same around her too.
  3. Everybody else’s mother winds up being your best friend whilst your mum never understands you, but is always available for a chat when your friends have a problem
  4. Always have pets. When no one understands you, they will. It helps to create a language they comprehend. If required my dictionary of doggie language can be shared with others.
  5. If you know someone well enough, they can never lie to you because you can see right through them
  6. Indulge. When you can afford it and really want to, just go ahead. Its far better than living in regret & deprivation
  7. If you find a grey hair, panic.
  8. Make a list of things you want to do before you reach a certain age. Just thinking it won’t help make it happen.
  9. Make sure you’re swept off your feet at least once in your lifetime
  10. There’s only one person in your life whose lips relate to yours. The perfect kiss is not an urban legend but it may not be a lasting attachment
  11. Understand the difference between like and love. Strangely enough, it was one of the tougher lessons I had to learn
  12. Learn to be a little cynical, it saves a lot of heartache
  13. Despite what the books say, no one loves like they’ve never been hurt
  14. On the eve of your 29th birthday, sit down with your gay cousins and plan your funeral. They’ll tell you that once you’re passed 30, you become a walking corpse. Gay men are more honest with you about yourself that anyone else is.
  15. Don’t ask ‘does this make me look fat?’ If you don’t know yourself, don’t expect anyone else to lie to you.
  16. Get to know people outside your usual circle. You’ll be amazed at how much you learn and how much your strangely have in common
  17. Stand up for what you believe in. Don’t wait for someone else to and then just back them up. The first stand is what matters.
  18. The Peppers were right when they said ‘music is my aeroplane’
  19. When the world gets you down, when someone hurts you beyond repair, don’t hold it in. Numbness does more damage than you can imagine. Lock everything out, cry for days on end if you must, because when you finally go back out, you’ll find that you can actually laugh about it. Its amazing medicine for the soul.
  20. Everybody, every single person you love and trust will let you down at some point. And you can never be prepared for it.
  21. Lemonade isn’t the only thing you can make when life hands you lemons. There are quite a few cocktail recipes online.
  22. If you let the sun go down on your anger, you’ll wake up feeling like a cow.
  23. You’re not intelligent if you don’t have a sense of humour, even if the joke is on you
  24. Don’t define your life by whom or what you love. Love is a bonus, not the be-all and end-all of it
  25. Complete honesty from someone you love is the greatest gift that their love can give you
  26. Never fake an orgasm. What’s the point in getting naked with someone if you’re not going to enjoy it?
  27. Decide if you’re going to work for the money or satisfaction and don’t complain about it. They both may come together, but that’s just a bonus.
  28. Don’t leave anything behind. There’s no point in being remembered after your gone if you weren’t thought of when you were.
  29. Shake what your mama gave you.

Merry Christmas everyone! I hope you’re surrounded by the people that mean the most to you. There’s no greater gift.

Ps. Family isn’t necessarily the one you’re born into 

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I hope this little letter finds you in the best of health. I know you’re getting on in years and it must be hard to keep looking as good as you do in those greeting cards year after year.

Writing to dear old St. Nick doesn’t seem to be working. You see, I’ve been sending your husband letters for 20 something years now, but alas, it doesn’t seem to work. I heard a letter you wrote to him over the radio a few days ago and I must say, you seem to have the right idea on how to handle you man. So for the first item on my list, I should ask you for a little dose of that. If vile threats work for Mrs. Santa, I’m sure they’ll work for me! Ofcourse, I must say that you sound an awful lot like hissyfits on the radio. You two related by any chance? 😉 

Now I don’t want you to read too much into my long correspondence with your husband. I know it has spanned well over two decades, but you must remember that I was a mere babe when I first started. And if you do want to take a peek at them, you’ll see that they’re all letters of demand. 

I recall one of the first I ever wrote because my parents don’t hesitate to remind their daughter how she asked Santa for a Doll House and a Doll Ball. I’m assuming I wanted a miniature beach ball for my doll to play with because I dread to think I had knowledge of any other implication. So you see, the letters were very innocent, just like those of the many children who write so diligently and the many more adults who do so in secret, asking for those things that are too frivolous to ask in prayer. 

I think the person you should deal with is that nasty blonde, Marylyn. She shameless sang love songs to your husband calling him her Santa Baby for all the world to hear. I don’t know what kind of music you listen to up there in the North Pole, but I do suggest that you get a copy of Ms. Monroe’s song. 

Now that I’ve made my case to you and cleared any doubts, I’ll take the liberty to proceed with my Christmas list for this year. I want –

 

  1. slutty black boots
  2. legs to carry off the slutty boots
  3. a flat stomach (attached to my body)
  4. a kiss from Dancer & Prancer and Donald & Vixen… and maybe Rudolph too
  5. a kiss under the mistletoe (not from a reindeer)
  6. a smile on my face on Christmas morning
  7. to be able to take Stitch for a walk & not the other way around
  8. a big fat bonus with this month’s pay
  9. to not regret turning 29
  10. to enjoy being 29

There we go. Not too bad innit? Fairly simple in comparison to the tall orders I’ve been giving that no good husband of yours over the years.

 

In exchange, I promise to be as naughty as ever. You and both know that nice never worked for anyone!

 

Love,

TMS

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The first ever Solidarity Gaymes was more than I expected it to be. I said in my previous post that it is probably the most significant thing I was a part of this year. I won’t go into too much detail, but I will say that my heart warmed to see so many people coming out to play with so much pride. There was no shame. There was only the freedom of expression. I’m posting one of my favorite pics of the day here. Its titled “Kelani Kumaris“. An entire netball team decided to come in drag, get themselves lavender costumes and actually win the gold. For more pics, please visit the Solidarity Gaymes blog.

P.s. Me…the most unathletic person on the planet also won 2 medals. A Silver for netball and bronze for 4×100. Can you believe it!!! And not to say the competition was easy. I ran against national players and gay games medalists, so I think I should rightly be proud of myself. My cousin snapped a pic of it on his phone so I’ll try and post it later. 

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Thanks for the tag D.

So what have I done?

  • I’ve learned to be independent
  • I’ve learned that only my dogs understand the language I speak
  • I’ve gone through a series of unfortunate events that even Lemony Snicket can’t compete with
  • I won my first ever medal for athletics (in case you don’t know me, I’m allergic to sports when it comes to anything other than spectatorship)
  • I smiled way too much for my own good
  • I cried for one week straight as a result of my overdose of smiling
  • I realized that I am stronger that I have ever given myself credit for
  • I became a cynic
  • I was kissed senseless for 6 hours straight
  • I shared an apartment with 2 other wonderful people for a while, and loved it.
  • I lost a considerable amount of weight (needed to add something superficial in here)
  • I came out of the closet, not that I was in one to begin with. I just started telling people instead of waiting for them to ask me. (Just for the record, I’m not gay, I’m not straight, I’m not bi-sexual. If I am in love or in intense attraction mode, your gender or sexuality is irrelevant to me and in turn mine should be to you. And ya, that means I might hit on the occasional gay guy as well. 😉 )
  • I’ve come to believe that once you’ve gone through that one big love in your life, everything else that comes your way pales in comparison. (The Darkness was so right when they said that love is only a feeling)
  • I’ve discovered that there’s nothing I’d like to do better than play hooky, sit at home and watch re-runs of just about anything on my couch with loads of food and my babies flopped by my side
  • I have told women in Puttalam how to put a condom on their husbands & helped them to find their erogenous zones
  • I have changed my opinion of lady cops, considering the 2 wonderful female officers I’d sit back and drink my blues away with who I am proud to call my friends.
  • I can say that my biggest, proudest achievement this year was being a part of the Solidarity Gaymes and seeing the whole event come to life despite every single obstacle we faced
  • I never stopped believing in Santa Claus

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