Feeds:
Posts
Comments

Posts Tagged ‘Growing up’

Thanks BlackLullaby & Polka Dots for the tag. I’ve opted to use a term from Richard Bach when he wrote a letter to his younger self in The Bridge Across Forever because it is essentially things I really wish I knew then, which I’ve learned now.

Future__Present__Past_by_JusT_ShanT

Dear sandwich of 17,

You turn 30 this year and it’s been a long journey. Most of what you’ve done is pretty darn good between where you are and where I am now. Here’s just a few things to look out for along the way :

You’re going to skip an A/L exam. It will make for a pretty neat story to tell when you’re older, but it will also prevent you from getting the aggregate you need to go to Uni. You’ll regret it but you ought to know that you do pretty good for yourself career wise until you wake up one morning close to 30 and realize that you’ve been selling soap for a living, albeit in much prettier terms.

Your save-the-world complex never really goes away. It converts itself into a mother hen variant though. You are a nurturer through and through so don’t you ever doubt it when your own mother says you can’t even take care of yourself. There’s plenty of evidence out there to the contrary.

Don’t be such a prude about sex. 23 is way too late in the day to give it away. Trust me, when you finally find someone you can completely open up with sexually, you’ll be able to unlock doors within you that you never knew existed. In my case it was fairly late in the day that I discovered that. Go out there, get laid, enjoy it. You don’t have to worry about becoming promiscuous; we just aren’t built that way 🙂

Your mum was right though. You don’t really take care of yourself. Especially your heart. As a result it will lead you to making the worst relationship decisions of your life until you turn 29 and finally discover otherwise. It will also result in the terrible friendships with people who walk all over you. But you finally learn to stand up for yourself at 29 too. You get married way too early and it takes you away from the person you are now at 17. But rest assured, 29 will come with you rediscovering your former self and your former passions like never before. You’ll have someone perfectly unorthodox to thank for it. I’m not telling you who though. It’s someone you need to discover for yourself. And trust me, the surprise will be startlingly pleasant. The friends I have today and the people I love in this very moment, I wouldn’t trade for anything else in the world.

You look for the poetry and romance in everything. You’ll watch a masterpiece called 2001:A Space Odyssey and feel all warm and fuzzy inside when Dr. Floyd video conferences his little daughter & feel like crying when HAL 9000 is disconnected. You’ll watch AI and curl up in a ball and cry because the robot is abandoned. Don’t ever regret your ability to feel so intensely even if the fact that no one gets that about you will bring you down. You will hurt a lot. But you will also love a lot. Don’t ever deny the intensity and the capacity of your heart. You feel everything. It’s rare. Treasure it.

I know you’re in a rush to grow up, but I have some bad news for you on that front. You never do. Live with it. Your child-like optimism will get you through some pretty dark days and trust me; the decade ahead will be the darkest of your life. But you will come through it and learn to live and love again.

Irrespective of what anyone tries to tell you, you’re a good girl Nat and that’s important to know. I’ve watched you for years, seen how you’ve handled things that would have turned most others stark raving mad or the epitome of bitchiness, to say the least. You’ve just stood there with so much grace and smiled through it all, opting to hurt alone. No matter how hurt you are, you try your hardest to keep things peaceful for anyone else involved, both victim & villain. You have a fierce sense of loyalty that seems unparalleled sometimes and woe unto anyone who hurts someone you love.

Your strengths are your weaknesses and what hurts you most is the lack of reciprocation of feelings. But it’s all-good. You’re going to get through it all. People think you’re superwoman because of how strong you come across but you’re a bloody softy on the inside. I repeat : You’re a good girl. Don’t you dare forget it.

I won’t promise you a storybook ending, but you’re going to have the kinds of adventures others only dream of, every step of the way. Now go out there and live it!

Love,

Me, now aged 29 years, 10 months and 16 days.

P.s. Stop looking for the meaning of life, the universe and everything. Doug Adams already did that. The answer is 42. Go figure.

I hereby tag Hissyfits/Drama Queen/ The mad cat woman etc & the lovely ladies over at Aappa Thachchiya

Read Full Post »

I have a new friend you see. New in the sense that most of my really close ones have known me for at least a decade. I have a best friend who’s been a part of my life for 20 years or more in fact. But this one & I are different. We met maybe 4 years ago and because of something he said one random night at a gathering of friends, I looked him in the eye and said “let’s talk”. It turned out to be a night laced with half a bottle of brilliant tequila gold. We finished the bottle and in the process emptied our tear ducts as well I think. In just one night, we realized that we were kindred spirits.

And to date we have still had those random nights, a play in which we acted in together, a few vacations, one overseas and the others to Unawatuna. And many, many nights of sleepovers with soul music, excellent intoxicants, DVDs galore and conversation that feed on the inner workings of our twisted minds.

Our friendship has progressed from depressing tequila teardrops to joyous Long Island laughs as we both acknowledge how far we have come in such a short span of time. We get happily high on copious amounts of Long Island Iced Tea and chortle about the years gone by. How different we are from the people we first met each other as, and how we can still relate to the new, grown-up versions of our former selves.

We have come a long way from the multitudinous obstacles that life has insisted must be thrown in our path. We have come through the fire, so to speak and we are both better people for it. The obstacles still keep coming, but we jump over them or even use them like stepping stones now. It’s good to have people you can hurt with, because when the laughter comes, it is so much sweeter. In a very recent conversation we had in fact we realized that the strongest of human bonds are forged as a result of shared pain and not joy.

We have evolved from lonely children to confident lovers of ourselves and found it to be the utterly selfish path to our happiness at last. We both share many things in common like our shared passion for Wicca and theatrics. But we also share a common thread of faith. We have both been stripped both voluntarily and forcefully of our childish notions of religion and church. We talked the other day of how we have nothing left but one tiny thread that connects us with our god. But stripped of all the man made notions, we realized that it is the one thing that no one can take from us. Because it is the way we have built our own personal beliefs and relationships with the great one.

We’ve taken our raincoats off and are ready for our days in the sun and even ready to dance in the rain when the downpours come. For, there is a time for everything. Now maybe our time to laugh with Long Island’s but we know a time to cry again with sad, sad tequila tears will come again. It’s the cycle we have come to accept and expect. But we’re grown now, and we’re ready for the unknown.

Everyone should be blessed with a friend like this, I think. Someone who doesn’t need to necessarily share all of your history or years of knowing you, someone who you don’t need to be in constant contact with for reassurances, but simply someone who can see into your soul & find a kindred there.

Read Full Post »

Yes, yes, I know it seems as though I can’t get enough of the Smashing Pumpkins this year. But tonight, tonight has been speaking volumes to me over the past 8 months.

This particular line, the title of my post, more than the one I love to trip on (believe in the resolute urgency of now) really rips at my gut. In the middle of a song about living in the moment, they drop this excruciating, hard to accept brick at you – the more you change, the less you feel. And you can’t help but realize how true it is.

This post has been on my mind for a while but I just can’t seem to find the right words to say it with. I’ve had many conversations with friends over the past few weeks about it too. All about the fact that we’re unable to feel like we used to. That inability to feel those intense emotions we used to feel when we were younger. The rush, the feel, the thrill of the chase and even the pain of loss all seem mellowed down versions of what they used to be. But the biggest grouse is if I am actually able to love again. Or hurt intensely again as a result of that love turning sour. Am I only meant to have that one great love in my life? Isn’t it possible to love again? To feel those things that made me realize that I am alive? It’s saddening to grow up if this is what growing up turns you into. Or is it simply a mind block? Or is it that the person I will be able to feel those things about hasn’t quite come around yet?

A friend was telling me that he ended a relationship that was near perfection to him because he realized that he really wasn’t feeling it. That amazing gut-wrenching feeling that he felt with the last person he was in love with simply wasn’t there. And I couldn’t help but nod in agreement and get quite worked up about it because it’s exactly the same with me. The more we change and the more we grow up, the less we are able to feel. Our minds tend to over power our hearts instead of it being the other way around, the way it used to be. Another friend told me that when he broke up with a girlfriend years ago he was shattered but when he recently broke up with his last girlfriend, things felt so very different. Yes, he missed the loss of the familiarity of having her around, but he said it was all very adult and he didn’t feel like his world was ripped apart.

With me, I doubt it has anything to do with inner strength or anything like it. I just feel that as I grow stronger as a person, my heart grows weaker. At the soul, the core of my being was someone who used to get a rush out of things and all I feel now are mediocre emotions. I listen to love songs, watch soppy movies, pine for Heathcliff… all to no avail because they just make me long for what I have lost even more so. Every nerve ending used to be charged with emotions. Not to say I was emo or anything like that, but my heart used to be my strongest asset. I used to feel for people, for causes, for everything. And now all I have is a consciously forced push in that direction because heading in the opposite one will surely be the death of me. I can’t be cold. That for sure, is not in me to be. But lukewarm is a far more saddening state of being, don’t you think?

As oxymoronish (I coined a word!) as it may sound, it is really heart breaking that my heart may not break again.

Mended Heart by Metaltamer

Mended Heart by Metaltamer

Read Full Post »