Archive for the ‘Music’ Category

I don’t fit into a box and most of my life people have been trying to figure me out, including myself. During the course of this year I’ve been starting to appreciate that there’s no box big enough to hold the anomaly that is me. A friend sent me an Ani DiFranco song called In or Out which I just managed to listen to. I related. Completely. Thank you Ne. Have a listen y’all…

Guess there’s something wrong with me
Guess I don’t fit in
No one wants to touch it
No one knows where to begin
I’ve got more than one membership
To more than one club
And I owe my life
To the people that I love

He looks me up and down
Like he knows what time it is
Like he’s got my number
Like he thinks it’s his
He says,
Call me, Miss DiFranco,
If there’s anything I can do
I say,
It’s Mr. DiFranco to you

Somedays the line I walk
Turns out to be straight
Other days the line tends to deviate
I’ve got no criteria for sex or race
I just want to hear your voice
I just want to see your face

She looks me up and down
Like she thinks that I’ll mature
Like she’s got my number
Like it belongs to her
She says,
Call me, Ms. DiFranco
If there’s anything I can do
I say, I’ve got spots
I’ve got stripes, too

Their eyes are all asking
Are you in, or are you out
And I think, oh man,
What is this about?
Tonight you can’t put me
Up on any shelf

‘Cause I came here alone
I’m gonna leave by myself

I just want to show you
The way that I feel
And when I get tired
You can take the wheel to me
What’s more important
Is the person that I bring
Not just getting to the same restaurant
And eating the same thing

Guess there’s something wrong with me
Guess I don’t fit in
No one wants to touch it
No one knows where to begin
I’ve more than one membership
To more than one club
And I owe my life
To the people that I love


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My new favourite obsession and the score to the movie they’re going to make about me when I’m gone. Vain, I am 😀


We used to swim the same moonlight waters
Oceans away from the wakeful day

My fall will be for you
My love will be in you
If you be the one to cut me
I`ll bleed forever

Scent of the sea before the waking of the world
Brings me to thee
Into the blue memory

My fall will be for you
My love will be in you
If you be the one to cut me
I will bleed forever

Into the blue memory

A siren from the deep came to me
Sang my name my longing
Still I write my songs about that dream of mine
Worth everything I may ever be

The Child will be born again
That siren carried him to me
First of them true loves
Singing on the shoulders of an angel
Without care for love n` loss

Bring me home or leave me be
My love in the dark heart of the night
I have lost the path before me
The one behind will lead me

Take me
Cure me
Kill me
Bring me home
Every way
Every day
Just another loop in the hangman`s noose

Take me, cure me, kill me, bring me home
Every way, every day
I keep on watching us sleep

Relive the old sin of Adam and Eve
Of you and me
Forgive the adoring beast

Redeem me into childhood
Show me myself without the shell
Like the advent of May
I`ll be there when you say
Time to never hold our love

My fall will be for you
My love will be in you
You were the one to cut me
So I`ll bleed forever

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Now I know this wasn’t really an original of hers lyrically, but trust Janis Joplin to know just how to reflect my mood today.



Me & My Bobby McGee

Busted flat in Baton Rouge
Waitin’ for a train
When I’s feelin’ near as faded as my jeans
Bobby thumbed a diesel down
Just before it rained
It rode us all the way to New Orleans

I pulled my harpoon
Out of my dirty red bandana
I was playin’ soft while Bobby sang the blues
Windshield wipers slappin’ time
I was holdin’ Bobby’s hand in mine
We sang every song that driver knew

Freedom’s just another word for nothin’ left to lose
Nothin’, don’t mean nothin’ hon’ if it ain’t free, no no
And, feelin’ good was easy, Lord, when he sang the blues
You know, feelin’ good was good enough for me
Good enough for me and my Bobby Mcgee

From the kentucky coal mine
To the California sun
There Bobby shared the secrets of my soul
Through all kinds of weather
Through everything we done
Yeah, Bobby baby kept me from the cold world

One day up near Salinas, Lord
I let him slip away
He’s lookin’ for that home, and I hope he finds it
But, I’d trade all of my tomorrows
For one single yesterday
To be holdin’ Bobby’s body next to mine

Freedom’s just another word for nothin’ left to lose
Nothin’, and that’s all that Bobby left me, yeah
But, feelin’ good was easy, Lord, when he sang the blues
Hey, feelin’ good was good enough for me, Mm-hmm
Good enough for me and my Bobby Mcgee

Well, I call him my lover
call him my man
I said I call him my lover did the best I can, c’mon
Hey now Bobby now
hey now Bobby Mcgee, yeah

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Photograph by Shehal Joseph

(and while we’re on the topic, I am so amazed at the amount of photographers in the blogsphere alone who came into to take pictures of us. This has got to be  the most photographed play I have ever been in! 🙂 )


Let’s start with the good news, shall we?

Opening night was everything I imagined it would be. And then some. Every ounce of nervous energy in the system converted itself into a fabulous show. And obviously it showed… because the audience gave us a standing ovation. ON OPENING NIGHT! Who does that? My parents were in the audience to watch me act after years and even they loved it. That’s saying a lot, considering they have always been my toughest critics in everything I have ever done. Getting them to say something nice about anything I have ever achieved has been like pulling eye teeth. A half-bored grunt is generally the most I’ve managed. They both hugged me and told me I was fabulous and the entire play was an amazing experience for the viewer. I had to double check if I was hearing right or if someone was practicing Jedi mind control over them for a minute there. 😉

Ofcourse, my mother did notice I was running a temperature and tried to march off to Feroze, asking for me to be sent home immediately. I had to hastily push her out of the Wendt, before she embarrassed me by treating me like a school child. It was a reaffirmation as to why I don’t live with them. Can you imagine what the rest of the cast would have done to me, if my “mummy” marched onto the stage demanding that her 29 year old daughter be sent home early? (shudder)

The air raid was a bummer. But none of us knew about it until the performance was over, thanks to SLMs strict no-phones-on-stage policy. It meant we could perform without knowing a thing. It kinda sucked to walk out into darkness and sit outside the Wendt, wondering if we could get home safely and if everyone we knew was ok. I think we went from emotion soaring to plummeting in a matter of moments. The high did return to all of us though. I don’t think a nuclear explosion could have wiped off our smiles for too long.

The second day was just as super with our Stool Breaker and Latha Walpola (inside joke) rocking the stage. If anything, I’d say the energy was even higher that night. They were simply fabulous and it remains our best performance yet

In the process of these super performances I did something silly. I opened a tiny window of opportunity for someone to toy with me. I would bitch slap myself if I had the energy. What’s with people who have no clue what they want being drawn to me? Do I have a sign on my forehead that says “when uncertain, hit on TMS”? Seriously!

It took me a while, but I’m back. One week of insanity was more than enough. I think it had a lot to do with the pressure of opening night and the last week of rehearsals that I became more vulnerable than I usually am. I think Katie Perry describes this amoeba perfectly in her song Hot & Cold that one listen and I realized how silly I was being.

I’m back world. And to add to it I realized I have amalgamated someone else into my system who is probably better at taking care of things that stand in her way than even I am. 

Rosie Crantz… take over girl!

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The desperate, the restless & the broken-hearted…


It’s time.

Tonight is when it all starts to make sense.

We found &  followed eachother in blind faith

And in 5 short months we lived lifetimes together.

Loved, lost, found, hated, cried, desired…

Its not over. Its only just beginning. Tonight.


I’m going to quote the Smashing Pumpkins who seem to be much more eloquent about it that I am. All I can say is that there’s this huge well of feelings inside and I can’t get it all out. So, take over Pumpkins…

Time is never time at all

You can never ever leave without leaving a piece of youth
And our lives are forever changed
We will never be the same
The more you change the less you feel

Believe, believe in me, believe
Believe that life can change
That you’re not stuck in vain
We’re not the same, we’re different tonight
Tonight so bright

And you know you’re never sure
But you’re sure you could be right
If you held yourself up to the light
And the embers never fade in your city by the lake
The place where you were born

Believe, believe in me, believe
Believe in the resolute urgency of now
And if you believe there’s not a chance tonight
Tonight, so bright

We’ll crucify the insincere tonight
We’ll make things right, we’ll feel it all tonight
We’ll find a way to offer up the night tonight
The indescribable moments of your life tonight
The impossible is possible tonight
Believe in me as I believe in you, tonight

Tonight, Tonight – by the Smashing Pumpkins 

The one thing I can honestly say to each and everyone involved in this production… I love you. Each and everyone of you. And I’m going to let that show tonight. 

Tonight my parents and friends will be in the audience, but I perform only for you. 


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I made a comment to DD about my heart having behaved like a bull in a china shop in the past. And I have let it do so way too many times in my life. Don’t know how the comparison popped into that tumultuous little membrane of mine, but once it did, I realized I was absolutely spot on.

What kind of an idiot actually walks into certain disaster and still doesn’t care? Picture my heart raising both her hands up. It adds to my guy-like behaviour actually. The go-ahead-and-take-a-chance-and-throw-caution-to-the-wind aspect of it. I behave like a man and then react like a little girl. A frightened puppy who wants to whimper in a corner for the rest of her life, after I knew right from the start what the outcome would be. Its safe to say that there are some things girlish about me then I guess. Probably the 33% mentioned in my previous post na?

I do this on the off chance that my gut and every fibre of my being are possibly wrong. What happened to my intuition that never lets me down? How could I have disregarded everything that I have known to be gospel truths about me and gone ahead and made a right-royal fool of myself too many times? In the midst of the growing up process that I was forced to face over the past year, I have realized that what I have proudly displayed as my strongest asset is my weakest. At least when it comes to my happiness.

My heart is as strong as an ox when it comes to the people I care about. But she seems to have no concern whatsoever about herself. She lets me get hurt time and again, when I have always known the inevitable outcome before I set out on my little journeys to make a fool of myself.

I like my calm, safe place. Its issue free and full of friends. So I’m leaving well enough alone. Not just this time. For all times might just be the best options. I know that feeling when it seems like I’m heading for disaster and before it comes a-knocking, I’m changing the locks and shutting down the china shop. This bull’s being sent into hibernation.

And while we’re on the topic, here’s a song to that heart of mine called Eye in the Sky by the Alan Parsons Project

Don’t think sorry is easily said

Don’t try turning tables instead

You’ve taken lots of chances before

But I ain’t gonna give anymore

Don’t ask me

Because that’s how it goes

Part of me knows what you’re thinking

Don’t say words you’re going to regret

Don’t let the fire rush to your head

I’ve heard the accusations before

Believe me,

The sun in your eyes made some of the lies worth believing


I am the eye in the sky, looking at you

And I can read your mind

I am the maker of rules

Dealing with fools

I can cheat you blind

And I don’t need to see anymore  to know that I can read you mind


Don’t leave false illusion behind

Don’t cry, I ain’t changing my mind

So find another fool like before

Because I ain’t going to live anymore

Believing some of the lies

While all of the signs are deceiving


I am the eye in the sky

Looking at you

I can read your mind

I am the maker of rules

Dealing with fools

I can cheat you blind

And I don’t need to see anymore

To know that I can read your mind 

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You try to look for a song that relates to your mood and sometimes you just can’t seem to find just the one that you looking for despite the thousands of songs that have filled up your hard drive. That sucks. All the songs that keep popping up in your playlist are of emotions that you’ve been through and are over and done with.

So you wind up just letting the songs play. And in the midst of it you find lines from so many songs coming together to tell you a story. Strange random lines from songs, that are as different as oil and water. And they still blend so well together suddenly. Almost enough to still the storm inside. Almost. I guess it comes from being unsure and still wanting to find out more. I’m finding my inner turmoil in a plethora of disconnected lines and I think it could even be disturbing me more.

There you are minding your own business and then someone turns to you and says something totally out of the blue and unexpected. Before you know how to react to it, that wave of conscience sets in and you want to turn away & head for the hills. So you pace your room through the night. Not sure if you want your perfectly groomed sense of peace to return or if you should let the turbulence intensify. I feel like a confused driver on the day the new one-way streets were put into place all over Colombo. Talk about strange analogies huh?

Hootie & his Blowfish sing the music plays and you display a part for me to see.

The Pumpkins tell me to believe in the resolute urgency of now.

Marcy Playground asks who is that casting devious stares in my direction?

Ms. Merchant reminds me that sometimes love is an angel disguised as lust

Whitesnake batters on that I’ve been searching for an answer & I still haven’t found what I’m looking for. I wonder its an issue as intense as that though.

Even Elvis is telling me stuff tonight. Something about a little more bite, a little less bark and even goes on to say a little less fight, a little more spark.

Jason Mraz croons in his pretty little voice about it being my turn again to win some or learn some.

Nevermore bellows on to me to believe when you can’t believe anymore

Finally U2 brings me back to earth and reminds me that I’m just stuck in a moment & I can’t get out of it.

Maybe I should just opt for that last piece of advice and try and get myself together. Stop blowing things out of proportion and get back to my safe zone. The place I was happy to wander through without having to question any of this bullshit. Why can’t people just leave well enough alone?

Its 3 am. I’m still pacing. At least I can put the insomnia down to being all wired up about opening night on Friday.

Sigh. This is going to be a tough week in more ways than one.

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