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Archive for the ‘Resolutions’ Category

Last night the cord snapped. Severing all ties with myself. Those gospel truths that I held close to my heart are no more, unless I take a step forward and begin to acknowledge what that piece of broken thread falling off my ankle means.

The beginning of my many adventures to Unawatuna started last year, when I was in a dark place and a little light had just begun to force itself through the suffocating darkness. I started a personal tradition on that vacation that I have never stopped doing, every time I’m on the beaches of Unawatuna. I mark each drive down there by buying a friendship band from one of the sweet old ladies selling them along the beach. I make a wish and I put it on. They always fell off in a few months, but the first one, the very first one stayed on until last night. It was by far the biggest wish I made and I guess there must have been some karmic reason for it clutching onto my ankle for so long. It wasn’t even really a wish, it was a question that I had asked of the universe. 2 questions infact. And for many months I waited and waited for it fall off, telling me it was time. And then when it didn’t I pushed it to the back of my mind, telling myself that the day will never come.

And suddenly, unexpectedly, it broke last night. It had been on it’s last tethers for a long time, but I guess these things have their own inanimate way of deciding their own fate, paying little attention to us mystic types who wait for epic answers to come from a little piece of woven thread around our ankles.

And now I have my answer, and I am afriad of the ramifications. I don’t have it in me to be the person I wanted to be when I tied it around my ankle 14 long months ago. I can’t be that person anymore. I can’t shatter the comfort zone I’ve built around the issue. I’m not ready for heletr skeleter, I am not ready for love. I am not ready for all the things that will come and shatter me if I act on the answer I was given, at the most inopportune instant last night. There’s something truly cruel about the twists of fate. Why then? Why that day? Why at that very moment? An almost parallel one to when I tied it? Coming full circle in your life isn’t meant to feel like this. 😦

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Before the Storm by Stridsberg

Before the Storm by Stridsberg

Something made me remember promises I made to myself a long, long time ago (maybe even in a galaxy far, far away) and it reawakened my belief in the possibility of love. You know, the kind that lasts. I’m, at this point where I am coming to terms with the fact that there may not be a happily ever after for some of us. Sometimes the most deserving of love are the ones who are ultimately deprived.

And then I read something that really shook me. A quote from Dante. I may or may not find the perfection in the words I am to share with you, but by some slim chance that I do… these are the words I would want to hear and say. Because if the possibility does exist, it will be nothing short of this…

Remember tonight, for it is the beginning of always

A promise, like a reward for persisting through life for so long alone

A belief in each other in the possibility of love

A decision to ignore or simply rise above the pain of the past

A covenant which at once bonds two souls and yet servers prior ties

A celebration in the chance taken in the challenge that lies ahead

For two will always be stronger than one

Like a team, braced against the tempests of the world

And love will always be the guiding force in our lives

For tonight is a mere formality

Only an announcement to the world of feelings long held

Of promises made so long ago in the spaces of our hearts

How does that happen? Being able to take a chance with love when life has given you every reason not to. It’s a biggie for me, that one. But the words to make a world of difference to my perspective on possibilities. Hope it does with yours too.

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Walking on Clouds by Gilad

Walking on Clouds by Gilad

A little boy told me once that there’s always one sandwich missing in a sandwich basket. Apparently it was his philosophy in life. I laughed at the time. But as I began to get older I realized that truer words were never spoken. He had the most original way of telling me that nothing in life is complete. That there’s always something that stops any situation from being perfect. It sounds pessimistic in a way.

But it also reminds me of something someone else said. Mr. George Bernard Shaw said that “as long as I don’t have what I want, I have a reason for living. Contentment is death”. I’ve never been content. I guess that means I’m still very much here. It’s an affirmation that I am alive. That I still thirst and hunger and need for more than I have, greater things than are possible.

People tell me I’m too much of dreamer. That in the midst of my pessimism, hope always managed to creep in. Every time life beats me to the ground, I realize that that’s as low as I can ever get and I rise up. Time after time.

It makes you wonder though sometimes. Am I asking for too much to be happy. I look at what I have right now, the opportunities in front of me, the people in my life who love me, my job, my muse, my two amazing canine kiddies and I still want more. Different things than the obvious.

My English lit teacher wrote me a little note when I was leaving school that I know by heart. I see you longing for the finer things in life. Poetry in life and love and in everything you long for. It’s going to be lonely up there. But remember… the air up there is sweeter, rarer.

I think she got the 18 year old me down to a pat. And since I doubt I’ve grown up very much since then, other than to let my search beat me down time after time, I think I still won’t settle for anything less. I owe it to myself to move every mountain in my way. I owe it to myself to never stop searching.

In the midst of it, what really scares me is finding what I’m looking for. What if I find my missing sandwich? What happens when my picnic basket finally becomes complete and all I have left to do is, spread my gingham blanket on the ground and enjoy my day in the sun? Will it be the death of me? (can you see how that wretched pessimist in me creeps in through the cracks in the conversation?)

My teacher was right, my search, my chase has been a very lonely one. It’s an utterly depressing place to be sometimes when I stop and evaluate what I’ve had to come through. I’m still climbing my mountains but sometimes when the route gets a little rocky, it’s nice to have someone give you a hand up.

It’s an infinitely lonely place when no one sees into your soul and really gets you. But that’s not the point of this post. I just wanted to tell you in my own words, the other facet of why my blog is thus named.

I am the missing sandwich because I feel that my purpose is to complete someone’s life. But my blog is also called the missing sandwich because it’s a declaration of my final destination. My desire to be complete and the fact that it’s ok that I’m not quite there yet.

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I know I was grumbling about a month ago that I needed to make up a list of things I wanted to do before I turned 30. I stopped stressing about it for a while and got on with other things. But that little nagging thought at the back of my mind that time was running out did wander in my direction from time to time.

As of today I have 8 months left to do whatever it is I come up with. And after a long weekend of many things, I think I have that list nailed. It’s not a lot of things. And my last post on this topic ended with me realizing that I needed to find my mojo first. And that at last has been located. Silly of me not to realize that I may have left it somewhere that I last felt alive in. I took a drive down there over the weekend, found it dancing away with the waves along the Unawatuna beach. It was promptly packed back inside my system where it’ll hopefully remain this time.

With the return of my jinthu, so to speak, things are so very much clearer. There was a deliberation about me earlier which I realize now was highly unnecessary. I was purposely searching for what I thought would be best for me in my present predicament. It never happens that way. And it was also not necessarily what was best for me, just because I imagined it would be that way. Things are going to happen far more naturally from now on.

Without any further ado, here’s my “before I’m 30” list :

1. Take a walk on the wild side
2. Don’t be answerable to anyone but myself
3. Don’t give a damn about the opinions of others who have no clue who I really am
4. Find my dream home, rent it & move in
5. Turn 30 in Una or on a beach away from Colombo!

Short & sweet innit?

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magical_mirror_by_ironshod

magical_mirror_by_ironshod

I looked at myself today. Really looked. Stripped of all the artificial vices that we take for granted as part of ourselves, the picture is so very different. When you begin to see beyond the face, even beyond the unsure expression you give yourself at times like these, you begin to see things that you may not really like sometimes.

I’ve been through too many instances of being misread by everyone around me that I wanted to see what it was about me that made people see someone who isn’t there. Who is this girl who everyone sees and who I obviously have no clue about? She seems to have taken up residency in my system and I have no clue who let her in. Did I, in some moment of weakness allow her access and not even remember it?

So I glared at the mirror, cocking my head from one side to the other, asking myself who I have become over the last few months. I glared deep into her eyes and saw my own face reflected, as tiny as ever. Am I smaller than I thought I was? I was never easy to read, even to myself at times.

But I find it hard to come to terms with the person everyone has obviously tagged me to be. I know that I am lost in one sense, but in so many others I am very much more found than I ever was. The things that have happened in my life have probably been more than I was ever made to handle. The story about God only giving you as much as you can deal with is bullshit in my books. And as a result I haven’t quite handled things well.

And it has taken longer than I would have liked for me to get my feet back on firm ground. I tend to wander off into places where the ground is shaky from time to time, but then again what would life be if everything was always so predictable? The thing is as a result of me being essentially who I am inside and refusing to change. except to become a better version of who I already am, I am misread.

When I cry, people think I’m falling apart. What they don’t realize is that it is a release and an acknowledgement that the numbness is over.

When I laugh, people think I don’t have a care in the world. When the reality is that I refuse to show them how I have let people crumble me within.

When I am blank, people think I am not bothered. When in truth I am forcing myself to give a damn and still nothing happens.

When I am nice, people think I am after them. When instead I am nice because it is inherently in me to be nice. The alternative is my bitter wrath. I am an extremist and no one appreciates the nicer side.

And all of that is just the tip of the iceberg. I wonder sometimes why people don’t bother taking the time to get to know someone before they peg them down as one sort or the other. Not everyone fits into a typical list of the types of people that could exist in the world. 

So I looked in the mirror and saw myself for who I was. If you don’t want to bother to see beyond the surface, that’s your loss. If you have something that holds you back from trying, I am the last person you should hold back with. 

At least I saw the girl in the mirror and liked what I saw. Granted, I didn’t see the best looker around, but she could pass. She’s also a little confused and a little bit lost, but she’s still very much there. 

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Last afternoon the ocean was frothing and foaming angrily at my feet. Seemingly angrier that she couldn’t reach higher and slap me across the face.

And so she gripped at my toes viciously, trying to pull me into her depths with her sandy fangs, drawing me in with the taste of blood.

Last evening the she sent the wind after me, with a knowing smile. I smiled back. She doesn’t know that we’re old friends, wickedly familiar with eachother.

And so she danced her manic tango around me, making my hair whip my neck and face in that same reproach. The familiarity of the pain was inviting.

Last night I stood in the middle of the ocean, letting the wind and waves take me where they wanted. Giving in was always so much easier.

And then this morning, the rains came.

 

Rain Ballet by ni2s (fickr)

Rain Ballet by ni2s (fickr)

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Inspired after brilliant open mike night, my friend Buddhi’s performance and another on of WDR’s brilliantly worded posts… This is part of a huge initiative by the Times of India’s campaign called India Poised and I wanted to post one of the essential pieces of copy that made it such a huge success. This is an ad which replaced the front page of the Times of Inida on Mahatma Gandhi’s birthday… It’s called D.O.

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This campaign, launched on independence day 2007 started off as a single press ad called “India vs India” and overnight turned into something even the client and ad agency didn’t foresee. As a result an unplanned second phase was launched called The Lead India movement, which called for people to take a stand for what they believed in for their nation and  saw 30,000 people from all walks of life stepping up to the plate as possible future leaders of their country. Through a rigorous process of interviews, tests etc they were narrowed down to 8 people who campaigned all over the country talking about what they stood for. Finally India as a nation picked one man to become their future leader. This man will be a registered candidate at the next general election and probably become the nation’s next prime minister.  

 

Here’s the first ad, which replaced the front page of the Times of India on Independence Day that started it all off…

 

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It’s quite easy to replace the word “India” with “Sri Lanka” which instantly evoke the desire to slam your head against a wall. Hopefully after that, we’ll also feel the desire to march.

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