There’s been this nagging issue on my mind for a while now. It started off as a tiny little thought at the back of my mind and over the years it has grown and developed into a what I maybe blowing out of proportion when I call it magnanimous problem that just won’t go away.
And that’s only with one part of me.
The other half of me thinks nothing of it. Enjoys it.
But as I grow older I’m beginning to realize that it may not be all that good to do what I do without a second thought. It gives everyone the wrong impression and no one really looks at me and sees me for who I am anymore. And then at times I realize that people actually do see me. And it kind of ends up royally confusing me as to who I really am.
The title of this post? That’s me I’m talking about.
If you ever meet me, you’ll think I’m a guy. The way I act, talk, dress. Everything about me exudes a sense of boyishness. I’m generally the only girl who tags along when the boys go out for a drink. No one really thinks of me as a girl. I out-drink most men. Smoke like a chimney. My foul mouth needs to be washed out with some disinfectant. I wear a skirt once every decade or so. The only thing really girly about me is that I can’t drive a stick shift.
And here’s the thing – that’s just who I am. A man with boobs. Or so I have decided to tag myself.
I’ve actually been going around asking my male friends of late as to why none of them see me as a girl. And they give me crap excuses like how cool I am and how hard it is to find a girl who can connect with guys the way I do. It’s not really an issue on one level. I’m just one of the guys and that’s who I am.
But there are times as of late that I’ve started to realize that I actually am a girl. And now it’s too darn late. Just because I see myself as a girl now after all these years, no one else is going to. And as hard as I try, there’s nothing I can really do about trying to act more girly because its so not who I am. It just feels too damn weird for me to act like a girl. Because deep down all I really am and all I’ll ever really be… is one of the guys. A man with boobs.
And it kinda gets lonely sometimes.
What do I do? Settle down to being the tom-boy that I am on the inside or force myself to become the girl I obviously am on the outside?
Even though I have not met you, (I think I have seen on photos) for me, you are a very nice person. That is what matters at the end!
well your blog sounds girly enough to me… dont see how your personality at least excludes a non-girlish aura 🙂
And I thought I was the only freak. At some point I finally decided to dress like a girl. But I still feel like such a boy. Only now its a boy wearing eyeliner. Sigh.
Just a trhought but having a read of your posts, (all of them) you’re very much a girl/woman… there’s nothing boyish in your thinking, thoughts/emotions/material!
This blog is probably one of the few places I get girly to be honest.
And Delilah, I wear eyeliner too. He he. But in thick, striking strokes sometimes. Demure has never been one of strong points. 😉
It could be worse TMS. A woman with a penis just sounds vulgar.
Point taken, RD. Point taken. I should be grateful for small mercies eh? 😉
Just because you hang around boys, just because you have an adventurous personality, just because you realize that life is too short and you want to make the best out of it, just because you want every moment in your life to be extraordinary and exciting doesn’t make you a boy. It makes you an unconventional human being.
Who cares what others think. You should do what you wanna do. You should be what you wanna be. I know damn well for a fact that there’s a beautiful little child in you that’s fighting everyday to explore all four corners of life.
And if I were to refer to that child… I would call it “her”!
You could just be who you are and refuse to believe in the need to stick to the gender standards set by society
I totally disagree… this blog is NOT one of the few places you get all girly!
As a fellow man with boobs let me tell you that, that make up collection you have makes you anything but a tom boy… not to mention your love of shoes… oh and did i mention the love of clothes, shopping, hair styles and lets not forget… JEWELLERY!!!!!
SO THERE!!! You’re very much a woman. If your very very va va voom boobs don’t get that message across… your tantrums when a guy you like doesn’t text you back makes it pretty evident!!!
You a girl… inside out!!! Just with an open mind that most girls don’t have, which makes you have the same mind set as a guy. Its a good thing. TRUST ME!!!
You are a typical girl, most of the girls I know are just like you. There was this particular one, we used to drop her home at 3 in the morning every weekend, change her clothes and put her to bed, in her wild ages. She used to walk in to the office on the first day of week with a loud “thankoo, thankoo… to whoever who dropped me home” – but she is happily married with a gorgeous kid now.
Its just that you don’t fit in to the typical “Sri Lankan” definition of a girl.
That’s all.
I so know what you mean.
Some people forget I ever have boobs and treat me like a boy. Fun at times, but hurts when you think back.
HUGSSS!!!
But you know what, no matter, a tomboy, a man with boobs or whatever, I love being me. Wouldn’t have it any other way.
But you know, everyone has their own person in them. Being who you are inside counts more than the exterior or what others perceive of you. I mean who cares if they see you as a guy, most of the people I know don’t even refer to me as a girl. Heck, my mother has never called me “Duwa” (and if and when she does, I shall duly snuff it)! ANywho, point of this tragic story is, we love ourselves because of who we are. Even if that means being unique. I like being unique. Et tu?