Posts Tagged ‘Choices’

For those of you who follow my blog, you’ll know that I am actively involved with the LGBTIQ community in Sri Lanka. But this post has nothing to do with that. It has more to do with my subconscious observations of human choices and needs that started (the observations, I mean) way before I became an advocate/activist and continues to date. It’s not quite an analysis of why people do what they do but merely a stating of facts. It’s about what people do with their sexuality/sexual orientation. There maybe no right or wrong, just as being of any sexual orientation isn’t wrong. They are merely moments that have been stuck in my head like a diary that I think I need to put down…

Sexuality | by Laura Ashdown

Sexuality | by Laura Ashdown

Some people live the perfect external existence of heterosexuals. They marry, have children and live out all that is expected of them whilst they turn to multiple same sex lovers in darkened spaces and places in their lives.

Some very ‘straight’ individuals opt to ‘turn’ gay or bisexual for various reasons. They deem it palatable when they weigh it against the benefits. Some for money, some because it’s a convenient escape from bad memories with people of the opposite sex, some simply because they think people of the same sex relate to them better.

Some are proud to be different. It’s not that they chose to swim against the wave, but find themselves against a current and still opt fight it, with pride and conviction. They stand up to a world with a multitude of different voices and say “I’m gay”, “I’m lesbian” etc. And they are willing to fight the good fight until they are accepted for who they are… pretty much more normal than most of the apparent straight laced fellows on the planet.

Some see no difference at all. Sexuality shouldn’t be a differentiating factor just like other givens like race, nationality, hair colour etc. For them there is only one cry, one statement that holds true to the entire human race; the fact that we are ‘one’.

Some stay with their straight lovers for as long as they can, finding their experiences enjoyable but void of moments that take their breath away and a certain oomph that they know that they’ll only find when they’re ready to break free and venture into new territory.

Some go through a great deal of their lives thinking they’re straight only to wake up one day and realize that there is more to life than the mundane they’ve been experiencing and walk readily into a life that holds so much more.

Some have no choice. They love in secret because they have it ingrained in their souls that it they cannot hurt the ones they love. Because, in the process of discovering their sexualities, they are also reminded of the others in their lives, like family and friends whose hearts would be broken if they were to love as they need to, out in the open, just like everyone else. They are stuck between their lovers and everyone else they love.

Some who are born to the privilege of ‘normalcy’ don’t understand the hue and cry from those that are different to them. They don’t understand the very essence of the fact that there could be anything different to the way they think and feel in the first place.

Some have the conviction that every non heterosexual person should ‘come out of the closet’. There is no point hiding who you are. Irrespective of the big, bad world out there, within a community of people who are similar to you, there should be no need to hide who you are and opt for so called ‘better’ company instead.

Some go through life knowing that they aren’t heterosexual right from puberty. They experiment with the same sex but grow up opting not to talk about it. They believe that sex, in any form is personal and should be kept behind closed doors where it belongs. They have no need to ‘come out of the closet’ so-to-speak and don’t understand why some others try to force them to. They believe that the openness of ones sexuality should be a matter of choice. They way they are, suits them just fine after all.

Some opt to go through life pretending and denying themselves of the possibility of more than they have. They go through the motions of life, not knowing how much more is waiting out there for them.

Some rare few are born into families who have no issue with their sexualities or any other choices their children make. They have the opportunity to live their lives free of the prejudice that is an inevitability for most others.

Some dress different, which has no relation their sexuality but get tagged as a certain ‘type’ or sexuality. They don’t know how to let the world know that the outward expression has nothing to with their sexuality or gender*. (see below)

Some have the strong need to identify themselves and be known as one sexuality or the other. They believe that identification markers are an important part of one’s individuality and expression. They are proud to be gay, just as they are proud to be Sri Lankan.

Some people have fluctuating sexualities. They go through life being different sexualities at different points in their lives. They make statements like ‘I’m straight again’, much to the chagrin of their contemporaries although they don’t seem to find any choice in the matter.

Some don’t feel any need to tag themselves based on their sexual behaviour or the people they chose to love. They are in essence, people who don’t believe in the need for tags. They seem to be able love irrespective of a person’s gender* or sexuality.

Some have no clue what to tag themselves as, even if they wanted to. They know they are attracted to both sexes, have been involved with both as well, but can’t seem to pay any heed to a person’s sex or genitalia when it comes to matters of the heart. They wear their hearts on their sleeves, but find ‘bi-sexual’ too limiting a word to use when it comes to love.

Some are merely disgruntled with their relationships and turn towards a new direction hoping to find some peace and love and comfort there, without stopping to question if they belong there or not. Some do. Some don’t. Sometimes both situations work out, sometimes neither do.

Some identify their sexualities based on their sexual behaviour patterns and not by their feelings at all. They’ve not been exposed to the fact that one’s sexuality is not merely determined by having sex and has to do with a complete emotional, physical and spiritual attachment to one gender* or the other.

*Gender is an entirely different issue altogether which only my friend Skywalker can describe with such apt eloquence that I’ll never be able to find on my own, as he’s done here.

There are many more observations that you have probably made. Mine were in relation to people’s sexualities within the bounds of my observations and I thought I’d share them with you. And within those very limitations, I want to still bring back my initial point; nothing is wrong or right.

To round it all off, I’m reminded of a that I think is most apt. I’ve been listening to it while typing this post out but can’t seem to upload ot or find a proper video since youtube is bloody blocked at work. It’s an original by Seal, covered by Alanis Morisette by the name of “Crazy”. Try and give it a listen if you have the time. I’m sure you’ve all heard it. 😛

We’re never going to survive unless we get a little crazy

In a world full of people only some want to fly. Isn’t that crazy?


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Belladonna's Tattoo by Shadow Wolf

Belladonna's Tattoo by Shadow Wolf

The darkness had been looming near the fringes of his life for quite a while now. Throwing shadows across the effervescent glow that only just came in and was already beginning to fade. He stands up from his foetal pose on the floor in the darkened corner of the room where the last embers still managed to remain. He dusts himself off, walks towards the door before she could reach him again. A shadow he can’t deal with. A sliver of it touches his neck as he gasps inwardly and his neck stiffens. Clenching his fists, he fights the urge to turn back and reach for her. Instead, he musters all the last ounces of strength within him. Reaching his hand behind him, he pulls the door shut and walks away.

On the empty streets now, as the sun begins to bid farewell to his world again. Shadows again. This time, his own. Three strands of himself, thrown across a world in which he felt he had no place because of the things he had done. Things he couldn’t help but give into. Always the good boy. Always the inner demon. The inability to resist the darkness. The one he wants to love. The one he should say goodbye to. The one he can love, so easily, but won’t. Three shadows, and only one leads him back to the light. The one he doesn’t realize can take him there.

I should love her. It’s the obvious choice. The one I can see myself with. All beauty and grace in equal proportions. And then I tell myself that it’s impossible. But I know the truth. She’ll never see me for me. And the even bigger truth, will I really love her just because I want to?

I must leave her. She’s not mine. She feels too much. And I fear I will begin to feel the same if I don’t walk away. I’m not one for handling the complications I blindly walk into. But the sweet, forbidden taste of her draws me further in. She is the darkness with so much light. And I just might fall…

I can be with her. She is sunlight with an alluring dark side. Sometimes our eyes would lock and a flicker of recognition passes, only to be forgotten all too soon, by the very next instant. And then I forget about the effect she had on me and move on again, until next time…

Three lives encircle him, placing him in the middle of a triquatra of potent desire. Which well will he drink of? Which circle will surround him in a never ending circle of life and light? And in which situation will it be the easiest. All easy. All complicated. And who will really love him for the man he is, over what he’s let them see of him? Who will he open the floodgates to? The hidden doorways to? The forgotten, darkened crevices to?

He wasn’t ready for the answers that were already beginning to form in his head. Instead he turns his back around and walks again. He opens a door he should have kept shut and lets the darkness consume him one more time.

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