Heart in a China Shop

I made a comment to DD about my heart having behaved like a bull in a china shop in the past. And I have let it do so way too many times in my life. Don’t know how the comparison popped into that tumultuous little membrane of mine, but once it did, I realized I was absolutely spot on.

What kind of an idiot actually walks into certain disaster and still doesn’t care? Picture my heart raising both her hands up. It adds to my guy-like behaviour actually. The go-ahead-and-take-a-chance-and-throw-caution-to-the-wind aspect of it. I behave like a man and then react like a little girl. A frightened puppy who wants to whimper in a corner for the rest of her life, after I knew right from the start what the outcome would be. Its safe to say that there are some things girlish about me then I guess. Probably the 33% mentioned in my previous post na?

I do this on the off chance that my gut and every fibre of my being are possibly wrong. What happened to my intuition that never lets me down? How could I have disregarded everything that I have known to be gospel truths about me and gone ahead and made a right-royal fool of myself too many times? In the midst of the growing up process that I was forced to face over the past year, I have realized that what I have proudly displayed as my strongest asset is my weakest. At least when it comes to my happiness.

My heart is as strong as an ox when it comes to the people I care about. But she seems to have no concern whatsoever about herself. She lets me get hurt time and again, when I have always known the inevitable outcome before I set out on my little journeys to make a fool of myself.

I like my calm, safe place. Its issue free and full of friends. So I’m leaving well enough alone. Not just this time. For all times might just be the best options. I know that feeling when it seems like I’m heading for disaster and before it comes a-knocking, I’m changing the locks and shutting down the china shop. This bull’s being sent into hibernation.

And while we’re on the topic, here’s a song to that heart of mine called Eye in the Sky by the Alan Parsons Project

Don’t think sorry is easily said

Don’t try turning tables instead

You’ve taken lots of chances before

But I ain’t gonna give anymore

Don’t ask me

Because that’s how it goes

Part of me knows what you’re thinking

Don’t say words you’re going to regret

Don’t let the fire rush to your head

I’ve heard the accusations before

Believe me,

The sun in your eyes made some of the lies worth believing

 

I am the eye in the sky, looking at you

And I can read your mind

I am the maker of rules

Dealing with fools

I can cheat you blind

And I don’t need to see anymore  to know that I can read you mind

 

Don’t leave false illusion behind

Don’t cry, I ain’t changing my mind

So find another fool like before

Because I ain’t going to live anymore

Believing some of the lies

While all of the signs are deceiving

 

I am the eye in the sky

Looking at you

I can read your mind

I am the maker of rules

Dealing with fools

I can cheat you blind

And I don’t need to see anymore

To know that I can read your mind